I just need to say stuff basically. I don't have anyone to talk to right now. I'm very depressed and I feel very alone. It's just one of those nights.... This may sound odd... but it's a good way to describe this feeling. I suppose maybe I'm a very sensual person.. but in my own world the atmosphere has "feelings". For instance, you can sit in a chair in a room and everything's fine and normal. The next day everything in the room can be exactly the same and you can sit in the same chair but something doesn't feel good, doesn't feel right. I dunno if maybe there's a term for it, but I call it Feelings in the Atmosphere. And tonight the atmosphere feels very sad.
So I'm sitting here alone in my dark room going from site to site and no one is around, not that i'm exactly in the mood to chat. But I know if I don't do something like interact with people I'll do something impulsive and potentially harmful so I try to keep myself busy (the only tactic i know and it usually works but...). I just can't do anything. I don't feel like playing the piano or playing the guitar. I don't feel like painting, drawing, watching tv. I don't feel like doing anything. So i'm sitting here in the dark doing nothing and I don't feel like doing nothing either. Because nothing is boring and an invite to deep (potentially harmful) thinking. So I sat there and thought... and I'm thinking about things in my life. By this time I'm having a very bleak and gloomy outlook.
I start thinking about how I'm nothing but a waste of oxygen at the moment: unemployed, broke, living with mommy and daddy, no aims or goals (or at least at the moment i have no aims or goals. when i get in these moods i feel like i suck at everything i do therefore canceling out any goals i have.)
So then I start thinking I need a job. How do I find one? It took me six months to find my last job and i quit after 2 months due to a very negative oppresive environment that paid less than flipping hamburgers at mcdonalds. I check the papers, watch for jobs online at various sites, im registered at several temp agencies. Why is nothing happening? What more can I do? There are NO jobs out there especially since there are 3,000 ex sprint employees now taking up all the jobs around here. I mean, sure I find SOME jobs... I apply... I interview.. I do my best.. I get my hopes up... and I don't get the job. Because I'm too young. And 3 years of various office experience isn't enough. Nobody just gives me a stupid chance! If they hired me, they would find one of the best, loyal, hardworking, intelligent, honest employees they've ever had. But it doesn't happen. And this leads me to believe I'm nothing that I thought I was. I mean, sooo many turn-downs can't be wrong, can they? I'm just not good enough. Never good enough. My songs are never good enough. My art is never good enough. My past work experience is never good enough. What I want is never good enough. I am so tired of this. *starts crying* You know theres a life that I want and I look forward to but I fear that it will never come. I don't have money. I don't know what to go to school for if I DID have money because my major constantly changes. And so the feelings of hopelessness set in. I start thinking about pills.. what could be in the house.. what can I get my hands on? No painkillers. Good. I don't need those anyways. I open a bottle of wine and dive in. Potentially harmful.
I'm feeling even worse about myself now. I feel like I'm the yucky person I used to be, the one that couldn't live without popping some sort of pills or drinking some sort of alcohol... ANYTHING that could change me at the moment. The one that cut when things seem too dark to go on. I don't like this at all. I WILL NOT cut myself I decide. I've been so long without that crutch I DO NOT want it back. I decide I'm happy that there were no pills in the house because I don't want THAT crutch back either. *crying a little harder*
So I decide to go on USM and just let it all out. Because I know there are tons of people here that I care for and that care for me as well. People that I can come to when I feel like this. I decide to just write what I feel because it's what I need. And I need to support very badly. And I need to not be alone very badly.
I realize I don't have half the problems other people do. But these problems are enough for me. They seem to be enough to break me. And I know if I can just make it through tonight, I'll be ok when I wake up in the morning. Thanks for listening to me go on and on. I just really needed to get this stuff out to someone. I love you guys. *Shattered*
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