consciousness begins and i find i am laying in a huge closet that is only dimly lit by the soft light drifting in through the open door. the walls of the closet are white but look grey in the darkness. i begin to sit up and realize that i am on top of an enormous pile of miscellanious books and boxes of papers and photos. upon closer inspection i see that these items are from my intended past, these are the memories that should have been. pictures of me at girl scout camp, a different name on my birth cerificate, awards i never won, all the dreams my parents had for me from before my conception all tied up in red ribbons. they have been discarded in this abandoned closet and here i am, the failed recipient of all my parents' aspirations, tossed in with a hundred piles of imaginary memoirs. as i am sifting slowly through the rubble, trying to comprehend my lost life and where i went wrong, i notice a shadow in the doorway. it is a little girl. her blonde ringlets and white dress are so familiar. then i recognize her sad eyes. it's me. at four or five years of age. i stand and take a few steps forward, beckoning to her, my arms outstreched. she seems almost afraid but then she takes a flying leap into my arms and i cradle her head on my shoulder and i take off runnning. i clutch her to me with both arms wrapped around her so tight, my heart pounding and i find that the scene around me had faded into darkness. blacker and blacker, but still i run, trying to escape something i don't understand. i am running through a forest, the branches catching my sleeves but idon't stop. suddenly the darnkness is broken by flames, a bright orange and red fire is blazing all around. the trees are on fire. a clearing is just ahead and as i step into it, the fire closes in all around me. there's no where left to run anymore. we are surrounded by the heat and smoke and it's only getting closer. lapping at the grass at the base of the trees. i can hardly breathe. then i notice that my little girl, myself at five, has fallen asleep on my shoulder. she is sleeping so peacefully that the fear melts away and we are both filled with peace, unafraid of the imminent death. i close my eyes and feel her tiny heartbeat against my chest. it is keeping time with mine. then i wake up.
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