I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him, and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation. Don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
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THE PROMOTION The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
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THINGS TO PONDER Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle lost its shell, would it be homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.
Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.
Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.
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If one day you feel like crying Call me. I don't promise thatI will make you laugh, But I can cry with you. If one day you want to run away- Don't be afraid to call me. I don't promise to ask you to stop... But I can run with you If one day you don't want to listen to anyone... Call me. I promise to be there for you. And I promise to be very quiet. But if one day you call... And there is no answer... Come fast to see me. Maybe I need you. If I ever ignored you. I'm Sorry If I ever made you feel bad or put you down. I'm Sorry If I ever thought I was bigger or better than you. I Luv You Don't ever forget that! Through bad times and good, I'll always be here for you. I am Sorry... For everything wrong I've ever done. I'm writing this because what if tomorrow never comes? What if I never get to say good-bye or give you a BIG hug? What if I never get to say I'm sorry or I love you? Because what if tomorrow never comes? I LOVE YOU FRIENDS ALWAYS!!!
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There once was a boy named Odd.
A lot of people would make fun of him because of his name, so he decided that when he passed-way he would leave his gravestone blank.
A couple of years later, he died, and next to his buried body was placed a blank gravestone. When people passed by the burial site they would point and say "That's Odd"
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