Across The Miles
I miss you when you are far far away, I miss you at night far more than in the day. But I look up to the sky and what do I see, your face in the stars smiling down on me.
Three thousand miles over the sea, Its just a heartbeat between you and me. So, when you feel low and I can't be there, look up to the sky and I'll be there.
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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the Princess's lap and said,
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, while dining on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't freakin' think so!"
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Welcome To Heaven
An eye doctor, a heart surgeon and an HMO (Health Maintenance Organization) executive die and are in heaven. God asks the eye doctor why he should be let into heaven, and the doctor explains to God that he helped people save or regain their sight. God says, "Welcome to heaven, my son." God then asks the heart surgeon what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. "I saved people from death from heart attacks and heart disease," the doctor replies. "Welcome to heaven, my son," God says.
God then turns to the HMO executive. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that he worked for an HMO. "Welcome to heaven, my son," says God, ''but you have to leave in two days."
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Even though she had a nasty cold, my mother insisted on going to a church supper as planned. She tucked several tissues into her clothing, just in case she might need them.
During dinner, she used the two in her sleeves, and then she realized that putting the third tissue into her bra hadn't been such a good idea. She discreetly tried to fish it out but couldn't find it. As she peeked down the front of her dress, my dad hissed, "What on earth is the problem?"
There was a lull in the conversation as Mom looked up from her neckline. "Oh, Dear," she said worriedly. "I had three when I came in."
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A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to leave the vehicle, and then said, "Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor, and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.
Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't you?"
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
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. A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
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A man comes home from work, sits in his Lazyboy, in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, "Gimme a beer before it starts". She gives him his beer.
15 minutes later, he says again, "Gimme a beer before it starts". She does.
A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer, the wife goes, "Don't you think you're exaggerating? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this."
The husband looks up and mumbles, "Now it starts".
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A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said,"Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
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. This guy says to his buddy, "You'll never believe what happened last night."
His buddy says, "What happened?"
The guy says, "Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch. She said 'Can I stay here for a few days?' I said, 'Of course, you can,' and shut the door.LEAVING HER OUT ON THE PORCH"
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My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."
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