Meet Elavator friends by: 1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up." 2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peaking inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down. 5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral". 8. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce, "I've got new socks on!" 9. Meow occasionally. 10. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 11. Walk on with a cooler that says "HUMAN HEAD" on the side. 12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "YOU'RE one of Them!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 13. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers. 14. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 15. Say "DING!" at each floor. 16. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 17. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 18. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space". 19. Announce in the most scary voice possible, "I must find a more suitable host body.", then exit the elevator. 20. Just repeatedly sing the song "fish heads, fish heads, wonderful, wonderful fish heads..."
Quotes from lawyers
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?" 3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?" 4. "Were you alone or by yourself?" 5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?" 6. "Did he kill you?" 7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?" 8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?" 9. "How many times have you committed suicide?" 10. "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?" "Yes." "And what were you doing at that time?" 11. "She had three children, right?" * "Yes." "How many were boys?" "None." "Were there any girls?" 12. "You say the stairs went down to the basement?" "Yes." "And these stairs, did they go up also?" 13. "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?" "I went to Europe, Sir." "And you took your new wife?" 14. "How was your first marriage terminated?" "By death." "And by who's death was it terminated?" 15. "Can you describe the individual?" "He was about medium height and had a beard." * "Was this a male, or a female?" 16. "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?" "No, this is how I dress when I go to work." 17. "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?" All my autopsies are performed on dead people." 18. "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?" "Oral." 19. "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?" "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.." "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?" No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy." 20. "You were not shot in the fracas?" "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel." 21. "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?" "I have been since early childhood?" Dogs definitions
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog s rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away. DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit !", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above. LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
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