My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"
"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh..what should I feed Lily for lunch?"
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An avid church goer and NASCAR fan died and went to heaven. Upon entering, this person noticed pro driver Alan Kulwicki's race car, and asked St. Peter about it. St. Peter said Alan was in heaven and his car was on display. Walking a little further, the man sees Davey Allison's car. Once again he inquired to St. Peter about it. "Davey Allison is also in heaven. In fact, God's a BIG NASCAR fan, so when drivers die, their race cars get put on display." Walking further, the individual came upon Jeff Gordon's #24 Chevrolet - the phenomena kid who is breaking every record on the racing circuit. At this sight, the new heaven dweller panicked! "Oh, No! St. Peter - Jeff Gordon is about to win the Championship this year, and you mean to tell me he has just died? "No, no," St. Peter chuckled, "That's God's car. He lets Jeff use it on weekends."
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A hunter walking through the jungle was surprised to find a pigmy standing beside a very large dead beast...
Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"
The pigmy answered, "Yes."
The hunter then asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"
Said the pigmy, "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied, "There's about 60 of us."
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
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