**Ok, this poem might not rhyme much, its more of a free style poem. This poem is how I feel in my heart and soul about myself and life in general**'
Have you ever woken up in the morning and felt nothing?
No love, anger, fear, jealousy, saddness or anything?
You haven't? Great for you! Your life seems to be
Going down the bright path that it should be.
You have? In that case, welcome to my life
Let me share with you what cuts into me like a knife.
My childhood was never bad, it just always just fine
But I can't begin to explain what goes on in my mind.
I know I love friends and family, or at least think that I do
I can't even explain to myself just what I go through
My life is active, yet I've only one goal
To try and explain the nothingness inside of my soul
I try to show emotion then it hits like a punch
I don't know why I feel this way, not even a hunch
What good does it do me to love and to care?
In the end I tell myself it gets me nowhere.
Why be mad over life, its so small and so little
These questions and thoughts, my brain they belittle
Whats the use to be sad, or show anger or love?
Is this some kind of joke from my creator above?
My parents they love me, that is clear in my mind
The only thing missing is the answers I try to find
Why feelings of nothingness and solitude to me feel so right
And I perfer myself in the dark, to family in the light
My girlfriend adores me, shes so good to me
And I know that I love her, its easy to see
But WHY do I love her? I ask myself
Why does it seem my emotions are packed up on the shelf
I feel all kinds of emotions, from bad to good
But the one thing I'm missing is what I know I never should
I should never have to ask myself Why? I should just go with my heart
But the distance between soul and mind seems so very far apart
Why do I feel these emotions? And are they for real?
Sometimes I get sick from the pain that I feel
Not knowing if your love and caring is fake or not
Will drive you to insanity, your heart it will rot
Its not that I don't have them, I know where they are
But the emptiness of my life hits my soul life a scar
Emotions seem illogical at best and sinful at worst
I ponder so hard it feels like my brains going to burst
WHY was I put here and WHY can't I feel
If the emotions I got are fake or for real
Why is my life going so good, but my heart feels so sad
When I'm alone by myself my mind feels ever so glad
Its like I beg to be alone, but struggle to be near
Those who I know love me and shield me from all my fear
My doctors report said no deep seeded emotions
Does it mean what I fear has been set into motion?
The biggest fear of my life is being left all alone
But why does my brain tell me thats the right way to go?
Why does my heart say one thing and my mind another
These questions haunt my soul, as its held down and smothered
I can't understand myself, I don't expect you to either
Sometimes I wish my mind would sit down and have a breather
Fighting a civil war in your body is no easy thing
When your mind says to cry and your heart says to sing
The side that I show people is my emotional side
The nothingness and solitude inside me is what I must hide
So for the people that love me, I pretend like I care
But is it really pretending, or is there something there?
I don't know anymore, my souls behind a black shutter
And my mind is all garbled and filled full of clutter
So I'll say 'Yes they're there', and hope that I'm right
Oh God please stand beside me, its going to be a long fight.
8/14/2002 The Dark Angel
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