A couples happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presence in the household of old Aunt Emma.
For seventeen long years, she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally, the old girl passed away.
On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, "Darling, if I didn't love you so much, I don't think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years."
His wife looked at him, aghast. "My Aunt Emma?!" she cried. "I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma!"
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As Gayle was getting to know Jim and his family, she was very impressed by how much his parents loved each other. "They're so thoughtful," Gayle said. "Why, your dad even brings your mom a cup of hot coffee in bed every morning." After a time, Gayle and Jim were engaged, and then married. On the way from the wedding to the reception, Gayle again remarked on Jim's loving parents, and even the coffee in bed. "Tell me," she said, "does it run in the family?" "It sure does," replied Jim. "And I take after my mom."
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As he was drilling a batch of recruits, the sergeant saw that one of them was marching out of step. Going to the man as they marched, he said sarcastically: "Do you know they are all out of step except you?" "What?" asked the recruit innocently. "I said -- they are all out of step except you!" thundered the sergeant. "Well, sarge, you're in charge -- you tell them!" ===================
As part of a re-decorating, two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?" ===================
As the old man lies dying in the bedroom, out in the parlor the family discusses funeral arrangements. Son Gary says, "We'll make a real big thing out of it. We'll have five hundred people. We'll order fifty limos." Daughter Grace says, "Why do you want to waste money like that? We'll have the family and maybe a few friends. One limo just for us." They proceed. Grandson Jeff says, "We'll have lots of flowers. We'll surround him with dozens of roses and lilies, dozens and dozens." Daughter Alice says, "What a waste! We'll have one little bouquet, that's enough." Suddenly, the voice of the old man is heard, wafting weakly from the bedroom, "Why don't you get me my pants? I'll walk to the cemetery." ===================
At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for 'Keep It Short, Stupid'." =================
At a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left. The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence, and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus, and was knocked back on to the fairway. As they all stood in silent amazement, one man finally asked him, "How on earth did you do that?" He shrugged his shoulders, and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."
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