I am ordering you to build an Ark." , wooden nickel

"Noah and The Ark"

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. So I am ordering you to build an Ark."

And, in a flash of lightning, the Lord delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," warned the Lord. "You better have my Ark completed -- or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping. There was no Ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My Ark?"

A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark's construction, but your plans didn't meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I spent months trying to get a variance from the city planning board.

"After all that, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees, to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to *save* the owls, but they wouldn't listen. And they wouldn't let me catch any owls, either - so no owls on the Ark.

"Then the carpenters' union started picketing my home because I wasn't using union carpenters. I had to halt construction and begin negotiating with the National Labor Relations Board.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals -- but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when that suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

"Then the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe - and they went ballistic!

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax.

"Lord, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's any way I can finish the Ark in less than five years - if ever!"

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"Wrong!" thundered the Lord. "But I'm going to do it with something far worse than a mere flood. Something far more destructive. Something that man himself created."

"What's that?" Noah asked.

"Government!" said the Lord.

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. After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked.

When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?"

"No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date."

After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday."

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Tact is the ability to close your mouth before somebody else wants to.

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In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or agree, but never both.

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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."

The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?"

"I turned out the light," the second man replied.

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