Marriages never last these days. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
Marriage is grand. Divorce is about 20 grand.
A broken heart is what makes life so great ten years later, when you see the guy in an elevator and he is fat and bald and smoking a cigar and saying "Long time no see."
Men are like guns... keep one around long enough and some time you're going to want to shoot it.
A man rushed home from work, burst in the door, and exclaimed, "Pack your bags, woman. I just won the lottery!" His wife asked excitedly, "Should I pack for cold or warm weather?" He said, "I don't care, just be out by Tuesday!"
A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same way!
Newlywed wife: So, do you want dinner? Husband: Sure, what are my choices? Newlywed wife: Yes or no.
Confucius say: Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Wife: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, a baked potato and an apple cobbler for dessert?" Husband: "Nah, I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home."
Definition of a Bachelor: A guy who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends!
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success!
Adam said to Eve just before the guests arrived: "Honey, did you put my laundry in the salad again?"
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
A bum asked a man for a dollar. The man asked, "Will you buy booze with it?" The bum said, "No... I don't drink." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No... I don't gamble." The man said, "Well then, I'll give you five dollars if you'll come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble!"
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If I knew it would be the last time That I'd see you fall asleep, I would tuck you in more tightly and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.
If I knew it would be the last time that I see you walk out the door, I would give you a hug and kiss and call you back for one more.
If I knew it would be the last time I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise, I would video tape each action and word, so I could play them back day after day.
If I knew it would be the last time, I could spare an extra minute to stop and say "I love you," instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.
If I knew it would be the last time I would be there to share your day, well I'm sure you'll have so many more, so I can let just this one slip away.
For surely there's always tomorrow to make up for an oversight, and we always get a second chance to make everything just right.
There will always be another day to say "I love you," And certainly there's another chance to say our "Anything I can do?"
But just in case I might be wrong, and today is all I get, I'd like to say how much I love you and I hope we never forget.
Tomorrow is not promised to anyone, young or old alike, And today may be the last chance you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if you're waiting for tomorrow, why not do it today? For if tomorrow never comes, you'll surely regret the day,
That you didn't take that extra time for a smile, a hug, or a kiss and you were too busy to grant someone, what turned out to be their one last wish.
So hold your loved ones close today, and whisper in their ear, Tell them how much you love them and that you'll always hold them dear
Take time to say "I'm sorry," "Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay." And if tomorrow never comes, you'll have no regrets about today.
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To climb the stairway to Heaven And stay upon the road Can sometimes be quite difficult For life brings a heavy load.
Temptation opens many doors And a blind eye you must turn Be true to yourself and others And the joys of life you'll learn.
A new day brings another chance To change the life you've led So don't give up, stay on the path That stairway is straight ahead.
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I had the MEANEST MOTHER IN THE WORLD!
While other kids had candy for breakfast, I had to eat cereal, eggs, and toast. While other kids had cakes and candy for lunch, I had a sandwich. As you can guess, my dinner was different from other dinners, too.
My mother insisted on knowing where we were ALL the time. You'd think we were on a chain gang or something. She had to know who our friends were and what we were doing!
I am ashamed to admit it, but she actually had the nerve to break the child labor laws! That's right, She made us WORK! We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, and learn how to cook. That woman must have stayed awake at nights thinking up things for us kids to do. And she insisted that we tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser and our life became more unbearable. None of this tooting the car horn for us to come running; she embarrassed us to no end by insisting that friends come to the door and get us!
I forgot to mention that most of our friends were allowed to date at the mature age of 12 or 13. But our old fashioned Mother refused to let us date until we were 15 or 16. She really raised a bunch of squares. None of us were ever even arrested for shoplifting or busted for dope. And whom do we have to thank for this? You're right, our mean mother!
I am trying to raise my children to stand a little straighter and taller and I am secretly tickled to pieces when my children call me mean. I thank God for giving me the meanest mother in the world!
Our country doesn't need a good five-cent cigar. It needs more Mean Mothers like mine. Blessings on that wonderful woman for eternity!
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Hello God, I called tonight To talk a little while... I need a friend who'll listen To my worries and my trial.
You see, I can't quite make it Through a day just on my own, I need your love to guide me, So I'll never feel alone.
I want to ask you please to keep My family safe and sound. Come and fill their lives with confidence For whatever fate they're bound.
Give me faith, dear God, to face Each hour throughout the day, And not to worry over things I can't change in any way.
I thank you, God, for being home And listening to my call, And for giving me such good advice When I stumble and I fall.
Your number, God, is the only one That answers every time. I never get a busy signal, Never had to pay a dime.
So thank you, God, for listening To my troubles and my sorrow. Good night, God, I love You, too, And I'll call again tomorrow!
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You could hardly see for all the snow So you spread the rabbit ears far as they'd go, And pull a chair up to the TV set, "Good night David, Good night Chet."
Depending on the channel you tuned, You'd get Rob and Laura or Ward and June, Or Andy Griffith and Barney Fife, Lawrence Welk or This Is Your Life.
I Love Lucy and The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace and the Cleaver boys. Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman and Lois Lane.
Father Knows Best and Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night - Life looked better in black and white.
They were simple folks living a simple life Where everything always turned out right. The good guys always won the fight. I wanna go back to black and white.
In God they trusted, in their own bed they slept, And a promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke a vow, They'd never make the network now!
Nowadays nothing's the way it seems In living color or on the screens. The good guys don't always win the fight And life doesn't always turn out right.
If only I could, I'd rather be In a TV world of '63. It felt so good, it felt so right, Life looked better in black and white.
I'd trade all the channels on the satellite If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right - Life was better in black and white!
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