. John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor.
The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"
"I'm Baby, and who are you?"
"I'm stupid," .
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A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town. The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.
After listening to the sheriff's story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: "Were you gambling, Father?" The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, "Oh, Lord, forgive me!" and then said aloud: "No, your honor, I was not gambling."
"Were you gambling, Reverend?" the judge asked the minister. The minister repeated the priest's actions and said, "No, your honor, I was not."
Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: "Were you gambling, Rabbi?"
The rabbi eyed him coolly and replied "With whom?"
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At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
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Behind every great man is a great woman ... and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her BUTT!
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The only thing wrong with religions that have all the answers is that they don't allow questions...
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
A woman took out a classified ad that read: "Husband wanted." The next day she received a hundred response letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The bride, upon getting engaged, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Daddy!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep!
A woman said to her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire!"
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that!
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
Husband: "Well, if you'd learn to cook and clean this place, we could fire the maid." Wife: "Oh yeah? Well, if you'd learn how to love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replied, "Yes, I married the wrong man."
First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
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"Diet Excuses"
1. But the doughnut was calling my name. 2. I felt left out because they were eating. 3. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake. 4. The kids overseas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate. 5. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so- called dish, so I had an ice cream. 6. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. 8. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do. 9. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake. 10. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. 11. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. 12. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients. 13. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. 14. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color. 15. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
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