"How To Be A Good Husband"
** He consistently spills things in the same location as to avoid making more than one stain in the carpet.
** He sees to it that he doesn't always sit in the same place on the couch, to avoid making those unsightly twin-divots.
** He masters the art of halfway-communication so that he can watch TV and still answer: uh huh, oh, I see what you mean, etc. at the right time.
** He is able to avoid use of the same excuse two-times-in-a-row.
** He has learned that a new vacuum cleaner, iron, etc. do not make acceptable anniversary presents.
** Admits with only minor prodding that watching Monday Night Football together does not constitute a "date" or family home evening (where applicable).
** Has learned all of the childrens' names so that he doesn't have to refer to them as, "Hey, you there".
** Knows the proper time to give a sincere compliment and also the proper time to say something such as, "Its definitely an interesting dress."
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A lonely girl who was very forward worked in a bookstore where one of the men that provided service for the store was kind of cute. During each service call she made every effort to make sure she told him she was divorced and available.
One day she came out and ask him, "Are you married?"
He answered her and said, "Well actually, I'm involved with someone."
"Oh" she said disappointed, "seems like the good ones always are."
"Well", he said, "Actually I'm involved with a married woman."
"Oh, really!" she said with a renewed interest.
"Yeah," he says, "but unfortunately she's my wife."
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Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?
Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that Witch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
"Hey Witch," I said. "You're so daRn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:
"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"
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One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you're carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways -- unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.
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I just realized that I've been married over 25 years and my wife has never had laryngitis. What a rip-off.
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"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the heCK alone!!"
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Bumper sticker seen on the back of a car:
"I wish my wife was this dirty!"
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A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't.
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The young wife hasn't spoken to her husband since the baby was born, all because of a little misunderstanding... She called him at work and said her water had broken, and he called the plumber.
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There was an Army ranger deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had WENT OUT with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.
He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you.
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On a recent CO flight, CEO Gordon Bethune had pre-boarded the aircraft and was sitting on the flight deck chatting with the Captain and First Officer.
He left the flight deck just before pushback to take his assigned First Class seat.
A OnePass Platinum Elite member boarded just before the flight pushed, and was furious that he had not been upgraded. Seeing several First Class seats open, he began to argue with the flight attendant over why he had not been upgraded. The flight attendant said she would get a gate agent to look into the matter, but the Elite member began swearing at her profusely.
Gordon was on his way back from the cockpit when this occurred, and intervened, asking, "Can I help somehow?" The passenger said, "Huh? Who the HECK are you?" "I'm the CEO of this company," Gordon replied. "May I see your ticket, sir?"
The passenger gave his ticket to Gordon, who saw a total fare of just under six hundred dollars. He then pulled out his billfold and peeled off six $100 bills, placing them in the man's hand. And then he tore the ticket up. "Now," Gordon said, "you get the HECK off my airplane!" The flight attendant could barely contain herself.
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