Actual personal ads which appeared in Israeli papers
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan. Write. POB 74.
Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is OK. POB 64
Attractive Jewish woman, 35,+ college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents' house. POB 45
Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658
Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78
Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56
Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435
Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles. havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787
Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555
Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43
80-year-old bubbie, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object: matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545
I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.
Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53
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"NOTICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH"
The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer Insight and advice to Northerners moving South.
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all" and "Ya" are singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
6. Get used to hearing, "Y'all ain't from around here, are ya?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol boy." "Fixin'" as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store" is 2nd. And "y'all" is 3rd.
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
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