The Warning Signs Of Insanity

**You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

**You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

**You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

**You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

**Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

**People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

**Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

**You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

**You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

**Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

**You like cats. Especially with mayo.

**You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

**You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

**You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

**Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

**When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

**You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

**You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

**You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

**People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

**You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

**You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

**You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

**The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

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