Worldly Wisdom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FACTS OF LIFE

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, you're it.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He's not dead. He's electroencephalographically challenged.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

You know what’s bad? When you fall UP the stairs!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ CURIOUS MINDS

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets...?

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure, no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three for each three they unlock!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HISTORY OF MEDICINE

(For people in a hurry, we have compiled this short history of medicine, using as an example the treatment of that common ailment, the ear ache.)

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.

1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.

1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.

1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.

1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.

2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

What's another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, "practice"?

When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

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