More Trials, More Tribulations... - Smooth Criminal   Author:  37101  Category:(Fiction) Created:(11/22/2002 6:59:00 PM) This post has been Viewed (333 times) So here I sit. Again. I guess if I could, I would be looking at the gun in it's nice tan case, and the little box of bullets sitting in front of it. They took the gun away. It's a long story but I thank God that I told someone, and they were bold enough to tell someone else and they stopped me.. or do I? I really can't say anymore. I was happy for a little while. I'm not sure if it was a false happiness or what. At the time it didn't feel like it, but I'm not sure if I remember what REAL happiness feels like anymore. Or do I? I can't decipher my own thoughts sometimes. I think I'm afraid to. And I confuse myself a lot. You'd figure with all the problems I cause that I could at least have a couple of solutions! I guess not. I wish I did though! I'm sure I'm really strenuous on people when I try and talk to them. I think out loud a lot, and they can't make any sense out of it... niether can I. I feel like my life is in a vice that's tightened a little everytime I wake up to a new day. And it's squeezing my body, consuming my body, making my body ache.. and all the air, and blood and all that has no where to go but my head.. and my head "grows" with the pressure of the vice. Eventually it will explode I think. I'm afraid for it to explode... I'll be pushed over the edge. I'm afraid of myself. I'm afraid to wake up every morning with fear that the vice will tighten, add MORE pressure, more things crammed into my head, more bad thoughts, more pushes towards that cliff that I know is there.. And I'll dive off, screaming. But I'll be welcoming it at the same time. Is it inevitable? I think I've got cancer. Not a physical cancer that's consuming my body and will kill me. I think I've got a mental cancer that is growing slowly, that can be treated but only temporarily that will consume my mind and plunge me deeper and deeper into my dark abyss that has now made up all of my thoughts. It feels like this cancer I've got is more deadly than any physical cancer I could ever have... I wish I knew the answers. Or just one. I just want a direction, or a sign that it will get better. But all I've been recieving is a constant motion of "1 step forward and 2 steps back." A strong leap of progress is met by a FIERCE backlash of anything BUT progress... and I find myself sunken. My hopes crushed.. again. The tears coming.. again. My thoughts going black.. again. But I encourage you to keep trying to cheer me up. After all, temporary happiness can beat out permanent pain anyday... At least I hope that's true, because it's the only hope I've got. And if that gets crushed.. Then what? I can only think. I can only dream.. Even though it wouldn't be a dream. It would be just like my reality is right now... it would be a nightmare. You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here Scroll all the way down to read replies. Show all stories by   Author:  37101 ( Click here ) Spring is coming