A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared.
This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.
"I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy.
The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world.
"Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?"
"Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile."
"That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.
The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last.
"Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?"
"Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.
The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.
After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.
"Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." ( POOF )
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. Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing:
"The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
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. A man bumps into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer." "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood. But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all the way through the park..."
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Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the changes, to remember that we too grow and change from one season of life to another.
Thanksgiving is a time of changing seasons, when leaves turn golden in Autumn's wake and apples are crisp in the first chill breezes of fall.
Let us remember the true meaning of Thanksgiving. As we see the beauty of Autumn, let us acknowledge the many blessings which are ours...
Let us think of our families and friends.. and let us give thanks in our hearts.
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Lord, My soul is ripped with riot incited by my wicked diet.
"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man! Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can. To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain! With my present weight, I'll need a crane.
So grant me strength, that I may not fall into the clutches of cholesterol. May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated, that my soul may be poly unsaturated
And show me the light, that I may bear witness to the President's Council on Physical Fitness. And at oleo margarine I'll never mutter, for the road to Hell is spread with butter.
And cream is cursed; and cake is awful; and Satan is hiding in every waffle. Mephistopheles lurks in provolone; the Devil is in each slice of baloney,
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, and Lucifer is a lollipop. Give me this day my daily slice Cut it thin and toast it twice.
I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujube's. And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted milk is won,
Let me stand with Heavenly throng, In a shining robe -- size 30 long. I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery.
Teach me the evil of mayonnaise, And of pasta a la Milanese and crisp-fried chicken from the South. Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
Amen
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Gary was playing soccer with his local team.
He got a breakaway, and headed toward the goal. He missed an easy shot to tie the game, which meant the other team won.
"I could kick myself," he groaned, as the players came off the field.
"Don't bother," said the team captain, "you'd miss."
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