Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? The other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and wallpapering. We rush to print with an emergency prompt list of Things Not To Say When Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.
"You've got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. You're supposed to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue..."
--"Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try."
--"What the heCK do you do to these lights when you put them away every year? Tie them in knots?"
--"Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. I'm going to fry that sucker."
--"If you're not going to do it right, don't do it at all. Don't just throw them on, like you do the icicles. You're worse than your father."
--"Give me that."
--"You've got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top."
--"I don't care if you have found another two strings, I'm done, daRNit."
--"You've just wound 'em around and around - I thought we agreed it shouldn't look like a spiral this year?"
--"Have you been drinking?"
--"Where's the cat?"
================================================= "Holiday?"
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
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. Signs That Your Broke.....
~ At communion you go back for seconds. ~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. ~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. ~ Long distance companies don't call you to switch. ~ You give blood everyday ... just for the orange juice. ~ McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. ~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" ~ Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. ~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
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John 3:16
In the city of Chicago, one cold, dark night, a blizzard was setting in. A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner, the people were in and out of the cold. The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell many papers.
He walked up to a policeman and said, "Mister, you wouldn't happen to know where a poor boy could find a warm place to sleep tonight would you? You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight. Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay,"
The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, "you go down the street to that big white house and you knock on the door. When they come out the door you just say John 3:16, and they will let you in."
So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said, "John 3:16." The lady said, "Come on in, Son." She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself: John 3:16....I don't understand it, but it sure makes a cold boy warm.
Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry?" He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food," The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't eat any more. Then he thought to himself: John 3:16... Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure makes a hungry boy full.
She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16... I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.
The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room, tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out the lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the window at the snow coming down on that cold night, he thought to himself: John 3:16... I don't understand it but it sure makes a tired boy rested.
The next morning the lady came back up and took him down again to that same big table full of food. After he ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom rocker in front of the fireplace and picked up a big old Bible. She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face.
"Do you understand John 3:16?" she asked gently.
He replied, "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it was last night when the policeman told me to use it," She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain to him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old fireplace, he gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there and thought: John 3:16. .. .. I don't understand it, but it sure makes a lost boy feel safe.
You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either, how God was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don't understand the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as they watched Jesus suffer and die. I don't understand the intense love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end. I don't understand it, but it sure does make life worth living.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
Remember to smile often at those that you love! Have a Super day.
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NO TRESPASSING
My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines.
Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out - This Means You!"
Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.
When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way."
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