"A Dummies' Guide"
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.
Under no circumstances should you ever reproduce.
When you find a prize in a box of " Crackerjacks " there is no need to report it on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist. Get a watch.
One + one = two. Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can. It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days, don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department. Likely they will ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many times.
April 1st is Your special high holy day.
=================== Our friendship means so much to me.
Better friends we couldn't be.
We always treat each other with care.
Our feelings in our heart we always share.
We cheer each other up when we are down.
We can take away any frown.
We always know when to give a smile.
And we definitely have a sense of style.
Our secrets we will always keep.
And our friendship will remain deep.
Our friendship is really true,
And I will always be there for you.
=====================
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
=====================
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden. Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles. Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
====================
Why God Gave Us Friends God Knew That Everyone Needs Companionship And Cheer, He Knew That People Need Someone Whose Thoughts Are Always Near.
He Knew They Need Someone Kind To Lend A Helping Hand. Someone To Gladly Take The Time To Care And Understand.
God Knew That We All Need Someone To Share Each Happy Day, To Be A Source Of Courage When Troubles Come Our Way.
Someone To Be True To Us, Whether Near Or Far Apart. Someone Whose Love We'll Always Hold And Treasure In Our Hearts.
That's Why God Gave Us Friends
========================= NEW FATHER
Signs That You Are a New Father
Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.
The sentence, "Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?" sounds normal.
You are used to doing everything one-handed.
The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly to zero.
Your idea of romance is hand-holding.
You answer the question "How are you?" with "We're fine."
You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness, but based upon how well the spit-up stains match the shirt's main color."
====================
The Essential Guide to Women's English: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I'm sorry = You'll be sorry We need = I want It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You'll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don't want you to I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead]
======================= In bygone days, a thin man insulted a fat man. The fat man challenged his tormentor to a duel with pistols.
On the day of the duel a debate ensued about the unfair advantage held by the thin man because he was a much smaller target. Finally the thin man came up with a solution.
"Let the outline of my figure be chalked upon your body," he said to his opponent, "and any shots of mine that hit outside the chalk lines, we won't count."
====================
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
====================
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
======================
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Spring is coming |
