Matt went into the Doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. That left it pretty wide open, so he told the Doc that he found it real strange how his suit must've shrunk just sittin' in his closet, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sittin' there. You probably just put on a few pounds, Matt." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" Matt asked. "Furniture Disease, Matt, is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts slidin' down into your drawers."
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If computers Made Cars
The car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH, yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
The car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
The car would often refuse to start, and owners would just expect this, and try again later.
The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
would sell the same model car year after year, and claim it's the NEW model.
Every now and then, the brakes on the car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
The car would have a very plain body style, but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.
The car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
Anyone dissatisfied could return the car, but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
If an car owner received 3 parking tickets, would take the car off of them.
The car would have an Cell phone that can only place calls to other car cell phones.
would pass a new car law forbidding car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
Younger car drivers would be able to make other people's cars stall just for fun.
It would not be possible to upgrade your car stereo.
cars would be forced to use gas that costs 20% more, and gives worse mileage.
Anytime an car owner saw another car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
It would be common for car owners to divorce just to marry another car owner.
car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
cars would come with a steering wheel, and would claim no other cars have them.
Every time you close the door on the car, it would say, "good-bye."
===================
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers."
"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist.
"Only one?" the florist asked.
"Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
=====================
KIDS' QUOTES on POLITICS!
"The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not."
"The nominees are usually called candidates, although I have heard them called other things."
"The job of delegates is to resent their states."
"Saying someone is a runner-up is the polite way of saying they lost."
"Did you ever think what I used to think about candidates running neck-and-neck? Well it's not true."
"Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending."
"A split ticket is when you don't like any of the people on the ticket so you tear it up."
"Some of the presidents never did much and are famous just because they were president."
"The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet."
"Noncommittal means being able to talk and talk without saying anything."
"In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at."
"Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do."
"Political science is when you try to figure out what makes candidates act that way."
"When people talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise."
"A lot has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable."
"Popular votes tell who is the most popular. Electoral votes tell who is the most elected."
==================
DRIVER IDENTIFICATION GUIDE
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn: New York
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
One hand on steering wheel, one hand drumming on dashboard, Laptop in lap, left foot tapping, right foot on brake waiting for pedestrians to move, head bobbing from side to side: California (San Francisco)
One hand on laptop, one hand at on-board navigation/Internet console installed in dashboard, having a executive meeting with six other people on hands-free cell phone, Palm Pilot wedged between knees to watch stock quotes, shoes kicked off and feet crossed because traffic hasn't moved in an hour: California (Silicon Valley)
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California
One hand on 14oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: Seattle
Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado
One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male
One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of big hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail comb, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother-of-pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
Engaged in heated political discussion on speaker phone with espresso in one hand and croissant in the other, aiming for pedestrians who have the mistaken notion that crosswalks are for them: Quebec
One finger on steering wheel of jacked up 4x4, Charlie Daniels blaring from speakers, dead coyote in back, hay blowing out of truck bed: Montana
Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida
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