Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on one's enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowner's belt to increase testosterone levels.
Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
Halogen Light - A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-law's nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer annoying advice!
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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
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You are happy... when you see a flower and are thankful for the blessing.
You are loving... when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others.
You are wise... when you know the limits of your wisdom.
You are strong... when you take your grief and teach it to smile.
You are brave... when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same.
You are true... when you admit there are times you fool yourself.
You are alive... when the hope of tomorrow means more to you than yesterday's mistake.
You are free... when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others.
You are honorable... when you respect yourself and offer the same respect to others.
You are beautiful... when you don't need a mirror to tell you so.
You are rich... when you never need more than what you have.
You are you... when you are at peace with who you are not.
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Casual Fridays MEMO 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.
MEMO 2: Spandex, leather miniskirts, and surfing shorts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are concert t-shirts, rodeo belt buckles or bedroom slippers.
MEMO 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember that image is a key to our success.
MEMO 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 PM Thursday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.
MEMO 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, the Committee On Committees has appointed a 14-member Casual Day Task Force to prepare guidelines for a proper Casual Day dress code.
MEMO 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 AM on Friday.
MEMO 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
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Read Slowly &Think Long on Each Sentence
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear.
Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.
You can only go as far as you push.
Actions speak louder than words.
The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else.
Don't let the past hold you back, you're missing the good stuff.
Life's short. If you don't look around once in a while you might miss it.
A BEST FRIEND is like a four leaf clover, HARD TO FIND and LUCKY TO HAVE.
Some people make the world SPECIAL just by being in it.
BEST FRIENDS are the siblings God forgot to give us.
When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead, you can look beside you and your BEST FRIEND will be there.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP "NEVER" ENDS. Friends are FOREVER.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
Don't frown. You never know who is falling in love with your smile.
What do you do when the only person who can make you stop crying is the person who made you cry?
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end.
Most people walk in and out of you life, but only friends leave footprints in your heart.
Send this on to everyone special in your life, even the people who really make you mad sometimes and to the people whose lives you want to be in!!!
Remember, every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.
And send it back to the person who sent it to you if they mean something to you!!
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Eleven Things Students Didn't Learn In School ~~ (from a speech by Bill Gates)
RULE 1 Life is not fair - get used to it.
RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping, they called it opportunity.
RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
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