" JUMPING IGUANAS ": wooden nickel

Q: What do you get if you cross a trampoline with two iguanas?

A: Leaping lizards.

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An 80-year-old woman went to the Doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the Doctor was looking through these he came across Birth Control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said. "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "But there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!" "I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks, believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

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Got A Minute?

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out God is all you need.

U Got a Minute? 60 Seconds for God?

All you do is simply say a small prayer for the person who sent you this.

(Father God bless _________ in whatever it is that you know he or she may be needing this day! And may __________'s life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as they seek to have a closer relationship with you. Amen).

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In the early 60s I was assigned to the 55th Air Rescue Squadron at Prestwick, Scotland. In the interest of community relations, we had a gathering of Scottish people as guests in our club. I noticed an older lady with an empty glass and asked her if I could get her another drink. She said, "Yes, please, I'm drinking Gin and Sweet Vermouth. Please ask the barman not to put any ice in it, it's giving me heartburn."

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The new preacher, at this first service, had a pitcher of water and a glass on the pulpit. As he preached,he drank until the pitcher of water was completely gone.

After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"

"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."

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A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him. "So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"

"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it to us."

"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the ends?"

"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us."

"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"

The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."

"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"

"Today they have sent you to us."

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(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M. Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M. Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I'm doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M. Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M. Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 P.M. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following: 1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? 2. How do you turn off the milkman? 3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? 4. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's hand? 5. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door? I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M. Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

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