Officer Goat Hearder?!

Well I was out on patrol. I wasnt in the police cruiser as I always am. I was in the Bronco Buster, 4 wheelin it out on the back roads lookin for anyone having "Illegal" fun ie trespasssing, 4 wheeling on state property..making sarifices to the pot Gods of the world...All of the sudden I come around the bend and SKRRREEEEEECCCHHHHHH! A goat just sitting in the middle of the road. A goat?! I alomost died, and for what, a goat!? Its like 2:30AM!? Why is this goat here? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, I yelled towards the sky...I swear you should all read my reports sometime. This kind of stuff dosent happen to anyone else here. Skunk attack, Ghost prairie girl, skunk rescue, Rageing deer, racoons plotting to overthrow the administration...all of that happens to me. Anyways back to the goat. It was kind of a fat goat. You know the kind you see in cartoons that wont move for anything. Well they have goats here because they work as good land groomers...I mean these guys'll eat anything. Grass, trees, cans...you name it they'll take a go at it. Anyways I searched for how this little fat goat got out and discovered that the goat had escaped out through a breech in the electrical fencing. Also, while scanning for the mode of evasion I discovered this accomplices. 12 other goats out of their area. Great, I thought to myself as I sctrached my head wondering what to do. I even turned off my flashlight as to not see the goats hoping they would just "go away" Needless to say when I turned it back on they were still there. Now I didnt want to run after all these goats so I said to myself...hey I can handel this. I hopped into the bronco and was going to attempt to heard the goats back into the pen with specific driving actions and well placed displays of lights sirens and horns. Well alot of good that did me. I got not even 100 feet from the goats and I swear they all scattered each in a different direction!!! Frickin A! Now the situation had gone from potentially do-able to virtually impossible. I drove the bronco to the edge of the field where the goats were and I took off the top part of my uniform so at least it would be spared the dirt and crap smell that would surley come as a result of chasing these mischevious creatures. Off the top went, off I went running. I have discovered, as I have also discovered about deer and small deer in particular, that goats have sharp hooves. Also the are strong little buggers for thier size. Oh and lets not forget that the are little speed demons as well. I can only imagine what the guys would have said, or anyone for that matter, if they had seen me darting around a pitch black field at 2 in the morning trying to catch goats with only the light from the bronco to illuminate what I was doing. All I have to say is thank God they were all white. Anyways I could not for the love of me figure out how I was going to do it. First off they didnt want to move. Second there were about 12 of them. I walked up to a goat and pulled it by its horns, pushed it, tried to pick it up. Frustrated I just kicked it in the butt...big mistake. That sucker turned around and bit me in the knee. Holy crap that hurt! Then it proceeded to chase me around like a vulgar rodent or something lower on the food chain. I threw clumps of dirt at it and fortunatly that detered it from further persuit, but the damage had been done and I was limping. Now for all of you laughing at home...this situation really sucked. I was getting tired so I drank a Red Bull cause red bull gives you wings...and if it gives you wings maybe it gives you a fiery breath and if it gives you a fiery breath maybe just maybe I could have pulled off the best goat BBQ ever! But it didnt. But as soon as I cracked open that red bull two goats came charging over to me. After screaming like a girl, I threw the red bull can at them and they started fighting amongst themselves...I'm thinking Great 12 sociopath goats...this is going to be fun...you know the kind of fun you write home about from a hospital bed...Suddenly all the goats were there fighting over the redbull can until they tore it apart and ate it completely. GOOD GOD I thought to myself! The can being gone, of course as my luck would go, the goats turned to me...It was kind of like in a movie when everyone is fighting in a bar and suddenly they all find out at the same time that you started the fight and they all turn to you at the same time. As cuddly and as cute as goats would seem they started to put their hooves on the bronco and so I had an idea. I escaped from passenger side door and grabbed a rather large rock. One for selfdefense, two for selfdefense, three to doop the goats into thinking I had another can of red bull. I licked the rock so it would smell like red bull (Hey it was all I could think of). I ran out front behind the bronco and pretended like I was drinking something...The goats leaned thier heads to the side wondering what I was doing. I brought the rock down as to give them some and they all freaked out! ( I guess they dont get out much.) CRAP! I ran for the opening of the pen as fast as I could. I my pants were taking a real beating...I mean these goats were mean! We have all heard about mean animals bitting people and its probably one animal...but 12 mean goats? I thought..This is riduculous I am in some B rated horror movie...Attack of the killer goats I think its called. Anyway I made it inside the pen and most of the goats followed I guess.I threw the rock and tried to jump the electric fence, but fell on it instead...I figured screw it I'll take the 12 volts. I have to admit it wasnt comfortable but I managed. Luckily for me the goats went for the rock. I guess by smell...actually I dont know why they went for the rock..it was really dark...maybe they looked like they were going for the rock...who knows. I put that fence back up and closed the breech. Now...in the aftermath of the goat attack...I have a new respect for the vicious beast known as goat. I am terrified to no end is a better way of putting it. I am sure there are one or two still roaming out there...I know I didnt get them all. Needless to say I shant be returning there anytime soon. I wonder what everyone will say when they come in this morning and I smell like a cow's butt. Still I cant help but laugh. Dont you just love mondays?!