Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.
Yelling at me for barking...I AM A DOG!!
How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat spit?!!
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
Any trick that involves balancing anything on my nose...stop it.
Yelling at me for peeing and rubbing my bum on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
Dog sweaters. Hello...have you noticed the fur?
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
When you pick up the poop in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
And the #1 Pet Peeve from the dog's perspective...
The slight of hand, fake-fetch-throw. You fooled a dog!
What a proud moment for the top of the food chain!
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"
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A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing -- "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
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18 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...
1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes lunch taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas. 18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
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This is frightening Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad checks 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges 8 have been arrested for shoplifting 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?
It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.
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