A grubby little fellow came in from playing in the yard, and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Thinking this was a new game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. B was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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Advertising Bloopers
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
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Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
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Little Donny's mother was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked Little Donny to answer the phone.
"It's the minister, Mommy," Little Donny said to his mother. Talking into the phone again, he added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
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How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded? You don't have to be good to get everyone's attention.
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Advice From Men To Women
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
When I ask, 'How many guys have you slept with?' It would be much appreciated if you did not answer honestly.
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying "Oh, this is our exit, Honey" is not really necessary.
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Woman: "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?"
Husband: "No, honey, it makes you look as slim as Cindy Crawford and Jennifer Aniston." (Cindy and Jennifer combined, maybe...)
A mother would be a little more honest:
Daughter: "Mom, does this dress make me look fat?"
Mother: "No, sweetheart, YOU make the dress look fat. I never thought fabric could stretch like that!"
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. With deep concern, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was far drunker than he'd ever seen him before. He walked over to the bar and asked, "What's the trouble, buddy?"
"It's a woman." replied Conrad. "What else?"
"Tell me about it," coaxed Dick.
"It's your wife."
"My wife? What about her?"
"Well, buddy boy, I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
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