With a wide range of things that could happen to you, how could people not go crazy after a certain amount of time? I spent so much time trying to hide from my problems, that I created new, huge ones. And while I still, to this day, am not sure what is real and what's not, I know for sure that I have made it far enough to see ahead clearly.
So this is my story...
I was born in a hospital in Utah after my mother had so much trouble conceiving me. She ended up having to take pills in order to get pregnant with me, which I suppose tells me that I truly was wanted by both of my parents.
We lived at my grandma Dot's house when I was first born. From what I hear, my grandpa played with me a lot and was always happy to have a baby around. But the cheerfulness of a child didn't seem to save him from the fate that would come.
Two months and thirteen days after my birth, on February 17, my grandpa died in a hospital bed after the doctor had finally given up on trying to save him. My mom tells me how furious grandma was that he was gone, that he had left her here on earth, and I suppose at this age I can understand that pain.
As the days passed, Grandma Dot grew an attachment with me. I was like her escape from the sadness that had engulfed her after Grandpa Lamar's death. She would sit and play with me day in and day out, telling me stories to help me go to sleep all through my life.
She would sit and watch TV with me, usually falling asleep, but the fact that she was there meant so much. I use to fall asleep on her when I was younger. I use that as an excuse for why she has flattened out a bit on the chest, saying that I caused that because I would always fall asleep while sitting on her lap and wouldn't give her any air or room.
We moved up to the mountains up in North Ogden to live eventually, before the divorce happened. Every night when bed time rolled around, my brother Justin and I would sneak into our parents' bedroom with one stuffed animal each, placing them under the pillows so our parents knew how much they meant to us. In the morning we would awake to them coming in with our stuffed animals and hugging us.
I didn't even notice the change of things, seeing as I was still only about two or three when things started turning for the worse. I don't even remember my mom moving out. Of the whole divorce, the only thing I remembered was going to mom's apartment one day with my father and Justin. Mom and dad started fighting and I remember Justin pulling me away, trying to protect me from whatever might happen. But I still didn't understand.
My mom always tells me how much I resented my step father, Mark, when he first came into the picture, but to be honest, I can't remember much of first meeting him. I barely remember the wedding. They are small blurs to me. I can see us walking through the chapel together, me holding a basket full of flowers, and the song "Say You Love Me" from Phantom of the Opera was playing. I remember throwing the flowers down and I remember my Aunt Linda forcing me to stay standing during the ceremony even though my feet were hurting.
But other than that, the whole is a blur. Even those little parts seem like only a dream in my mind. It's as if I imagined it and I'm going to wake up someday remembering the truth.
My father, Kent, dated a bit before anything serious happened. When he dated a woman named Karen, I spent a lot of time playing with her younger son and daughter while Justin played with her older son. I had begun to see it as the perfect thing, having Karen around. But I suppose his yelling soon scared her off, realizing her children might have been put in danger.
Back then I resented her for leaving, but now I can only nod my head and understand why she ducked out when she did. He dated another woman who had this great dog, but she didn't want children, so that ended quickly.
But it all sank in when Kent finally started dating Sue. I had just gotten home from visiting my mom and Mark out in California when Kent decided to tell me about Sue in the car. I didn't have much of a reaction, just nodded my head and listened to him tell me what they had done while I was gone.
As we got closer to home, which at that point was a condominium on a curvy road that I had always loved, he finally told me that we were going over to her house in the country in a few days. Once again, I didn't have any reaction, being too young to really care. I went inside the house and went to my room.
After that, most was a blur. At least, it was a blur until the night we met Sue. The night that changed our lives forever. How it changed my life:Ashezz gave me the idea of doing this. I had done a small thing before, but maybe a longer version would be good too. if it could help others who go through this stuff.
This is a true account of things I've had to live with, had to see, and have done. turn away now if you think you're going to get sickened or anything.
* Emi *
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