"Coma?"
Patient: "Huh? What? Where am I?"
Nurse: "You're in the hospital. You've been in a coma."
Patient: "How long was I in a coma?"
Nurse: "Ten years"
Patient: "Wow... Who's President?"
Nurse: "Bush"
Patient: <pause>
Patient: "How's the economy?"
Nurse: "Lotta layoffs"
Patient: <longer pause>
Patient: "Who else is in the White House?"
Nurse: "Cheney and Powell"
Patient: <even longer pause>
Patient: "Are we by any chance bombing Iraq?"
Nurse: "Yep."
Patient: "HOW long was I..."
Nurse: "Ten years"
=======================
Sometimes the waters get rough, and it seems you might lose your way.
But whether in front, beside, or behind you,
I am with you every day.
So when it seems too much to handle,
Remember you can call my name.
I will always be right there for you,
Because I know you would do the same.
========================
. The New Alphabet for Older People
A's for arthritis
B's for bad back
C's for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention) And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees (I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N's for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P's for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry About what the X--as in X ray--will find But through the word "terminal" rushes to mind, I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
====================
In the subway train the conversation turned to the pros and cons of various ways of preserving health. One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life -- no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner -- a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then.." "Excuse me for interrupting, sir," said the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in prison for?"
=====================
Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeball to the butthole? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
=======================
Golf - the four letter word explained... "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls."
=======================
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
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