Life is really starting to pile on top of me....and not in a good interesting way either. I just typed up a general advice on if I was wrong to get rid of my *friends* from my life but I know Im not and I know you would all agree that 2 girls who constantly put me down and insulted me and 1 of them pulling a huge well...i dont know what u'd call it but it wasnt right, on me arent worth my time. Life just keeps beating me down when I think its good and ya know I just need to vent because no one around me is offering up any helpful advice and well they are few anyways so might as well come rant to USM....
All my life, life has been disguised as good but its like having the good with a terrible consequence... I moved around a lot, my parents fought alot, they divorced, and I got trapped in Iowa. Sure all those years I was given anything I wanted but it seriously wasnt worth it... It was only today when talking with my mom I realized my parents never nurtered my singing career: they never did anything for me! They were to busy fighting, and I was to busy being a depressed lil kid to have a dream...
Anyways after that nothing got better. We were trapped in a small town in hickville Iowa....I was 9 years old and that was the first time I thought I had permenant friends. Only 3 but what the hey that works right? Well apparently I was to caught up in being a kid because outside of my 3 friends I never got to many friends in that new school. For some still unknown reason to me they started harassing me badly and it got so bad i had to move and change schools... Whenever my life suxs I start reliving this all over again I guess.
Anyways so I move and I became an emotional eater sometime over that time... I started eating gobs and gobs of food until I was 5'3 and weighed 210lbs... No wonder no kids liked me :( except for ones who used me... To add to the crap of my life then my mother got a new bf and I moved in with them and my family (I'd been living with my dad and 1 sister) and well me and her bf didnt get along...unfairly she put all the blame on me (though she now admits after breaking up with him that she was wrong...) and decided to call DHS into it and while she was at it they thought it a brillant idea to throw me into a program called EMBARK for troubled kids....despite my behaving very well for months! Mom only agreed to it (and later i believe this was their reasoning too) so I could "learn social skills and make friends." Yeah great idea people, throwing me in with 9 troubled/abused/drug addict/shop lifting kids will make me a better person (no im not exaggerating, at least every other kid had done to them or had done or did one of those things) bravo! To add to it there was only 1 other girl in the program and she was umm well she fit 3 of the 4 catagories up there, and then there was 2 other boys my age (fit 3 or the 4 catagories too) in the program, other then those 2 it was full of 9 year old boys who had pretty much done all 4 and we're friends... So yeah needless to say until my mom came to her senses that did me NO GOOD! God I hated those years...
Well okay now by this point I'd lost my user friends, my 2 old friends from my old town we're completly ignoring me (as they do to this day) and 1 of them was still usuing me, yes she seen free rides and money in it so she did it... This all happened the summer before my freshman year, so my freshman year came and it was hell seriously. No teasing, but no one talked to me or acknowledged me either. I'd come home and I'd have to talk for a few minutes before my voice came back because I barely talked at all in school! I was slimmer now, about 195lbs but still...On top of that I now had a dream to sing... and I finally got the vocal lessons I had pleaded for. Back then I didnt care what people thought music wise, I thought if I record a demo (on my home computer) and sent in some pics I could make it. Now listening to those clips of me back then I know why I didnt make it lol I didnt breathe right and I couldnt sing on key and well my pics didnt help.... I pray I do half way better now a days....
Anyways so school got bad and I couldnt take it anymore. I was pretty much failing or near failing everything (trust me Im not stupid I just didnt/still don't care) and it got so bad I was making myself sick and I stayed home sooo soo many days... I just couldnt face it anymore... So then I move to my grandmas with a new chance ya know, this is in my sophomore year just this March. I was now about 188lbs and 5'4 and I decided to be happy and confident and so forth. Yeah I get here and I make 1 friend who uses her sisters friends... That friend used me, but I didnt know it tell it was to late. I actaully believed a guy could like me! HAHA how stupid of me... I guess I failed to mention anything of a *love* life right to this point. Yeah ever since 7th grade guys *pretened* to like me for a laugh, they'd openly make fun of me and yell things at me, so needless to say I never had a bf... Well anyways I crushed on a guy my friend knew and she found out, but the guy kept constantly making excuses not to go out with me...I guess I'm an idiot and didn't get it (because I was being told oh he likes me and oh so and so forth) so yeah... My *friend* convinced the guy to ask me out on the day before my bday and dump me on my 16th bday so I could say I had a bf!!! She thought this was the greatest plan in the world...I seriously still dont get why! Anyways I got into a deep depression the day before my bday and didn't go to school so I ruined her plans....so she had him ask me out on my bday and I never heard from him again....I never knew anything was wrong tell 3 days later at my bday party when she told me!!!!
So yeah now summer came, and I had 1 friend left, thats right the one from my old town who used me. I invited her to come visit me, but alls she did was use and ignore me...really not good stuff :(. So here I am, summer of my 16th year on earth and now Im friendless and in such deep crap... I've been exercising and dieting religiously and borderlining obsessivly for years now and Im still 188lbs and 5'4...I'm only a size 16 shorts and I can fit into some variations of 14 sized pants but yeah its usually size 16.... I just feel like crap. I want to sing still, singing is my life and that depresses me too. Im taking good lessons now, and that makes it a lil over a year I've taken vocal lessons but people still say Im not any good and after embarassing myself when I was super bad I just dont know anymore. I think people sugar coat it to me, I know people do it cuz I myself have done it to fellow musicians... I mean I get a lot of *take vocal lessons* but...I AM :(! So yeah I just dont think maybe Im talented enough and no matter how much work I do I feel I never will be... So then that leaves rapping which I hate but hey its something. But then okay whatever I rap or sing you need to look good, and I sure as heck dont! I will never try to do a demo again until I am skinny enough...and right now it seems so far away!
Then there is school and all the normal teen stuff. I feel like I dont deserve anything....not until I'm skinny... I feel like I can go back to school but I know I will be harassed (my old friends are all mandys friends so they wont like me, and trust me I didnt entail it here but certain incidents make me sure i will be harassed...) I feel like going to another school would be pointless, I'M SICK OF RUNNING AWAY! Now I know people tell me *just go, ignore them...do your school work* so forth... But look: that diploma means nothing to me but failed dreams, and I dont care if I never make it as a singer or rapper, I will find some other way to live and do things I like, and if I have to work at a Hot Topics or sometin all my life, so be it! Seriously I just want to drop out, and its all up to me my parents say so yeah that makes it super hard. Okay if I drop out I cant drive (in Iowa if you drop out you loose your liscense until your 18...stupid law how can GED people work?) and if I cant drive I'd either a) stay here and have no job (which means no money to get to floridia) or b) go home and loose my good vocal lessons, but I could walk to a job. So thats where knowing if I have any talent at all would come in handy. Because if I dont I might as well go home now... Anyways then theres homeschool. I dont wanna do that, it would be like public school....LITERALLY. I'd be teaching myself, I'd be alone, and I would be knowing that they ran me out into that. I dont want a diploma and to me it makes no dif. But if I'm homeschooled then I could be here and have my lessons and drive to a job. Problem with that is is I have no will to get my liscense...its just more salt in the wound and even if I want to its to late to do it this year, thus I was gonna wait tell I was 17 to go home anyways so screw this...(becuase I wouldn't need a ride to get a job at home...) Then of course the final option is a dif public school (yeah I know alternative school n all but NO WAY!) Well the towns around here are all uppity christian preppies....seriously. The towns around home are well less christian and more hick preppies but still...so yeah not to high of an option...
God I just hate all this!!! Alls I ever wanted was to be the right weight, have a few good friends, have guys not hate me, and to have a life. Prom is next year, and then the year after that is all that graduating stuff and such.... Wow how soar... I just want to go sit in a corner and ugh I dunno... Whatever I try to do I fail at and I just cant take it anymore! Wherever I go Im made fun of, and people use me :(... Seriously! I have no one left but my family and only my parents and grandparents care...my sister dont anymore. Alls I want to do is leave Iowa, get a job at some lil store and move to floridia, get another job and be able to try and be a singer/rapper down there. But right now my low self esteem and my weight are in my way :'(. If you have any advice I'd be glad to hear it...sorry its so long...I hope I dont come across as a whiny stuck up girl or anything I just needed to rant :(...-Kaja aka Queen Crazy
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