1) Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
2) "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."
3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."
4) The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.
5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. New Orleans, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.
8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) Starbucks; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses
11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it for many months.
12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis; d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived; d) You have a 401K or trust fund.
13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues....country people; not city folks.
14) If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast.
15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling
17) Some Blues names for men: a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie
18) Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, Morris, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
20) I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, or a BMW, you cannot sing the blues.
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. Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!" under his breath.
On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time.
On the third hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!"
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. "HOOVER!!!!"
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know."
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. My wife hasn't spoken to me since the baby was born because of a little misunderstanding.
She called me at work and said her water had broken and I called the plumber.
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Golf - the four letter word explained...
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
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A man enters the confessional box at his local church and says to his priest, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. This week I used the F-word." "Fear not, my son," the priest replies, "Start by telling me the circumstance which provoked you to use such profanity". The man says, "It was on the golf course. I'd just teed off and sliced the ball badly into the rough." The priest nods, "I understand my son, I'm a golfer myself. Was that when you let your guard slip?" "No, father. I recovered well from that and hit a lovely shot out of the rough but it ended up in the stream" the man confides. "I see, how unfortunate. Anyone in your position would have felt the temptation to utter such an oath" the priest says. "No that wasn't it, father. By some miracle I managed to chip it out of the water and to within a few feet of the green, but it rolled back into the sand" the man carries on. "Terrible luck, my son. No wonder you were so frustrated and felt the need to swear". "That wasn't it either, father." The man says, almost sobbing, "I hit a great shot out of the sand but the ball stopped an inch from the hole". "Goodness, such misfortune!" The priest says, nodding, "Such a thing would drive a saint to swear". "But father, even then I remained calm," the man confesses. "What?" cries the priest, "Don't even tell me you missed the freeken putt?"
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A man gave his five-year-old son a scolding, so the boy decided to run away. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear, and his piggy bank and announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father decided to handle the matter calmly. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" the boy said bravely. "And what if you run out of money?" "I'll come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let Mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head, "Are you running away from home, or going off to college?"
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500". "Why so much," asks the man? The shop owner says, "He knows how to use a computer". The man then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system. Naturally, the man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000. Startled he asks, "What can it do?" The shop owner replies, "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"
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A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
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Do this slowly and really think about it! Think about them one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one......... IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD especially the thought at the end.
Falling in love. Laughing so hard your face hurts. A hot shower. No lines at the Super Walmart. A special glance. Getting mail. Taking a drive on a pretty road. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Hot towels out of the dryer. Finding the sweater you want is on sale for half price.
Chocolate milkshake. (or vanilla!) A long distance phone call. A bubble bath. Giggling. A good conversation. The beach. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter. Laughing at yourself. Midnight phone calls that last for hours. Running through sprinklers. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Laughing at an inside joke. Friends. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Having someone play with your hair. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. Road trips with friends. Swinging on swings. Wrapping presents under the Christmas tree while eating cookies and drinking eggnog.
Making eye contact with a cute stranger. Winning a really competitive game. Making chocolate chip cookies. Having your friends send you homemade cookies. Spending time with close friends. Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from your friends. Holding hands with someone you care about. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
Watching the statement on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
Watching the sunrise. Getting out of bed every morning and thanking God for another beautiful day.
I believe that friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet whenever our wings have trouble remembering how to fly.
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