*There wasn't a "Yes, this really happened" section so I posted it here.
Oh, how to start this one? Last week it came to my attention that I needed some new underwear. I noticed this when my thumb went through the side of my favorite pair. I hadn’t purchased underwear in years so; I had no clue what size to buy. Apparently this is only a problem we women have. You see, men go by their waist size and if your waist is a 30” waist then, by golly, you wear a 28-32. I know this because, I wash John’s underwear, and I see the tag. Besides that, I have two teenage boys and they don’t like going commando.
I scoot my butt over to Wallie World and proceed to buy me some undies! Something occurred to me just then. “Hummm,” I thought, “I don’t think I have ever owned matching bra and undies before.” (Well except for the black set for my formal, Ladies, have you ever tried to wear white undergarments beneath black? DON”T!) Anyway, I found two sets of different colors and was so excited. I couldn’t wait to buy them and try them on. I knew the size of my upper region, but my butt? I had no clue of my butt size. I thought about a size 4 undie; I wear a 3-4 in pants so, yeah, a 4 should do it. No, no, no, women’s sizes are all screwy. I was going to have to try them on.
With boulder holders and hinny hiders in hand I walk into the fitting room. “I have four Items Ma’ am and I need to try them on.” I said. “Okay,” as she hands me a blue door tag with a ‘4’ on it she says, “Let me see them.” I hand the four items to her when I hear, “Hold on, hold on, hold on! Oh no, hold on right there!” (I’m telling you this woman surprised me in such a way, I swear one drop of pee came out!) I looked at her and I was like’ “Oh, oh my god! What?” With tact, (Yeah right) she blurts, “No, no, no!” “I can’t let you do it! (Almost as if I were about to decapitate a Bald Eagle) Betty said no! No one comes in this fitting room trying on ANY PANTIES!” “O-K!” I say, “Then, how am I to know if they will fit?” She replies with, “I don’t know Ma’am, but your not trying these panties or any others on it here!” I just kept that one eyebrow raised and head cocked to the side like a confused dog while staring at her. I said, “Look ma’am, I don’t know my size, I have to try these on, they are too expensive not to. Oh, fine! I’ll just try on the bras then!” She then looks at me like I am a total idiot, raises her voice a bit and says, “No, no, no, Gimmie’ em’ I can’t let you back there with those panties!” (Apparently I was about to be the criminal guilty of knocking the planet earth off its axis!)
*At this point I get a visual of me playing tug of war with this good, ‘size 24’ woman while saying “No, they’re mine, let me have them, give them to me! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” (Then my kind, never sarcastic attitude kicked in!)
I said, “Look, you seem to be and INTELLIGENT woman. (Insert big fly eating smile here) Answer me this, Can I try on a bathing suit?” “Yes!” she says, “Yes you can, you can try them on all day long if you want to, but, you AINT” trying on these panties!” “Ooooooh!” I said laughing, that makes total sense to me now, I can try on bathing suits, even though I don’t need one, but I can’t try on underwear, EVERYTHING I have IS going to TOUCH the same place in BOTH garments Ma’am, I AM wearing underwear, I will try them on over mine!” Then, she said, “Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but you can try on a bathing suit if you want to, WHAT YOU HAVE AINT’ touching these panties, I am keeping these panties!” I looked at her and said, “Yeah, trying on that bathing suit is going to tell me if these underwear fit.”
*I then stop at the ‘Bathing suits’ to carefully inspect them. You know, maybe the seat is made of ‘Cootie Repellent Material’ or something.
Returning to the front to pay for ‘Panties’ I have no clue to whether they fit or not, I stop at the service desk right by the checkout register. There stands the Manager and her male Assistant. I look at the Assistant manager and ask, “Where can I try on underwear?” He said, “You can’t, it is store policy.” I get a real sweet girly look and say, “Can I try on a bathing suit?” “Sure,” he says, “The fitting room is right back there.” I say, “I don’t want to try one on, I want to try on ‘Panties’. Why CAN”T I try on panties if I CAN try on a bathing suit?” “The bathing suits have a protective strip in them,” he states, “Panties don’t.” I begin to do my little ‘Psycho’ laugh and say, “Oh, no sir!” “They most certainly do not, maybe a few do and maybe they all even had one when they were stocked but they DO NOT sport any now.” “I assure you they don’t have the protective strip, I checked on my way to the front. You see, I have already had a battle with the ‘Panty Nazi’ guarding your fitting area.” “So, sir, please explain to me WHY, when I AM WEARING underwear, I can not try on a pair of your ‘Panties’ over them WHEN, the bathing suits hanging on your rack are just as vulnerable to what I HAVE touching them?” Very blushed and stuttering he answers me with, “Ma’am, I don’t think there is a person in this store who could intelligently answer that.” (Which is exactly what I thought)
All this time there is an older woman observing and now, I have her THINKING! (She was soooo on board with my train of thought.) I turn to the Manager and ask her the same thing I moments before asked her Assistant. Only after she says VERBATIM what he said, I ask, “So, what is your return policy on ‘Panties’ anyway?” The Manager says, “30 days, the same as everything else. Oh, providing you have the receipt and they still have the tags attached.” I began to laugh with my little ‘Psycho laugh’ again and say, “Once again, it makes complete sense to me now.” “I can go home, put the ‘Panties’ on, do god only knows what in them, not wear my own underwear beneath your ‘Panties’; with the tags on, and if I have a receipt I can bring them back for someone else to do the same thing to!” The manager just looked at me like I was insane. (I am obviously. You would have to be to think so logically.)
The older woman near me looks at me and to her I make the utmost sense. So, I raise an eyebrow, smirk and say, “It isn’t like I wanted to sample the suppositories or anything, for the love of god, it’s a pair of underwear!” The older lady covers her mouth and begins to giggle. I think she is the only person that it made any sense to at all. I then turned to my cashier who I ALSO seemed to make sense to and with a very psychologically disturbed look on my face say, “I’m going to buy these and put them on without my own ‘Panties’ underneath and no one knows what I’m going to do in them!” She raised her eyebrow, nodded at me then and said, “Well, you have 30 days.” How it changed my life:*Now I have entered into the data banks of my head this: ‘Wal-Mart Panties’ Every time I come across anything that sounds and is as dumb as that ‘Store Policy’ (because of its holes) I just wrinkle my lip, nod and say,
“Wal-Mart Panties!”
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