Night was falling the day after my suicide attempt when the nurse came in and took me off of my monitors. She let me take out the IV myself so I could do it without hurting myself too much. I had spent most of my day making my monitors go crazy and going to the bathroom. The TV was on the whole time, but I didn't get to see much because my bladder wouldn't hold anything in at all.
I was happy to get my clothes back. I jumped out of my hospital gown into my regular clothes, feeling a bit free with them on. My heart fell in my chest when I found out my prayers during the day had meant nothing. I was going up to the eighth floor, the psych ward of Children's Hospital. Mom and Mark had come with a bag of stuff for me. I looked in it, seeing clothing in there. I knew I was going to be in there a while.
It was getting close to midnight when they finally admitted me in, talking with both me and my parents. I cried the whole time, screaming to my parents that I wanted to go home. Mom and Mark just looked at me with sad eyes, knowing there was nothing they could do. I watched them leave the hospital again, yelling that I would never forgive them or Katie.
I was taken to a back room and stripped down. I stayed silent while they did a check up on me, patting me down to make sure I had no weapons that I could use to hurt myself. I handed over my shoes, knowing that I wouldn't get them back until I left. The nurse handed me another hospital gown, telling me to get comfortable in it because it was all I'd be wearing until tomorrow since they needed to check my bag to make sure that everything was safe. I just nodded my head and followed the nurse out.
I had a room to myself, small with white walls and a hard, white bed. There was only a thin white blanket to cover me up, and I found myself shivering just looking at it. A small wooden desk sat near a barred up window, the faint moonlight falling into the room. There was a door on the other side of the room which turned out to be the bathroom after I'd gone into it. It had no lock and I noticed that the sink was back in the room instead of in the bathroom itself.
The nurse had been explaining the rules to me while I got a good look at the room. I turned to look at her as she said I could sleep in tomorrow since it was Sunday. They did a big brunch on Sundays and had only a few groups that day. I noticed chairs outside the hall as she said that nurses were on watch all night, so the doors had to stay open.
I nodded my head to make her stop, trying to show that I understood. She said her goodnights and walked out, leaving me to go to bed. I stood still for a moment in the dark, my eyes taking in my surroundings once more. There was no nurse outside my room at the moment, so I silently made my way over to the window to look out it. The view wasn't the best. I was able to see other barred windows and the roof top from my window, making me wonder what would happen had it just been glass and I crashed through. My eyes stopped on the ground, the grass blowing in the night breeze. How I longed to apart of that again. I felt locked up and cut off from everything there.
I finally resigned to my bed, curling up on the hard cot that they gave us to sleep on. I cried myself to sleep again, hearing Jack beside me, caressing my forehead and telling me things would be all right. I looked up with tear filled eyes, saying how it was their fault I was there. They thought I was crazy because of their world, because I saw them. I turned my back, falling asleep after a while.
I woke up a little after 8:30 A.M., sitting up in my bed. I had a restless night, my body aching from trying to get comfortable on the abomination they called a bed. The ward was still pretty quiet, and nurses sat sleepily on the chairs. I stayed in the bed, keeping my eyes on the door until I could hear people moving around. I sat for a good half an hour before any of the others began to wake up.
We were allowed to stay in our P.J.'s for a little longer on Sundays, so I didn't worry too much about my clothes. One of the morning nurses explained the showers to me, and handed me my bag of clothes for when I felt like getting dressed. I took my shower quickly, feeling like I had no privacy. Nurses would come by knocking on the door and opening it to make sure you were okay. I stood for a moment until the cold water fiddling with my name tag around my wrist.
I stayed quiet for the remainder of the day, shrugged slightly when people asked me questions. I spent most of my time sitting on the couch and just staring out the window, my mind off away from the ward. Jack and Juan tried to comfort me, but I pulled away, feeling a betrayal from them too because I was there. I ate like I was suppose to, which was at least half of the tray, and went to bed as soon as the time came. The nurses didn't find me to be any trouble, and by staying out of their way, I was told I was behaving.
In the mornings we would have a goals group. We would sit in a circle and fill out a goals sheet for the day, then read it out loud. They asked us why we came in and what our goal for the day was. I felt uncomfortable speaking in the group and mumbled most of my stuff. The nurses were getting annoyed with me, but gave up after a little bit because they saw I truly didn't want to be doing that.
The groups all seemed to be the same thing, just sitting around and talking about our problems and why we were in there. I sat and listened to other people, hearing about how some were getting out, and I was still stuck there. I was still drinking the Mucumus every four hours. It seemed to become a routine, so I was really shocked when they stopped coming later during the week.
Mom and Mark visited occasionally, bringing me a journal and stuff to do. Mom tried to be as affectionate as possible to me, but I pulled myself away, refusing to be loving toward anyone. Everytime they came, I would cry, begging to go home.
The day finally came when they were going to let me out, and I couldn't have been happier. I found home to be heaven, falling down onto my soft bed and curling up under the blankets. I swore to mom and Mark that I would never go back to the hospital, but I couldn't keep that promise. How it changed my life:hmm.. that hospital had good food, but was very cold... Windsor is the worst tho.. that will come soon..
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