I had considered putting this post into "serious advice" because it is serious to me. However, I wanted input from everybody so I put it here instead. And I want to appologize in advance for the length, but I really need to get this off my chest as well.
My entire life I have had a temper. We aren't talking your normal, everyday run of the mill anger either. My highs have always been on top of the world and my lows have always been in China. I have never been able to find a true happy middle ground since I turned about 17, which has been 4 years. That is until I met my husband. For the first few months things were heavenly and my mom even commented I seemed happier then she had seen me in years. (I was 19 at this time) Then I started feeling "comfortable". At first it was so simple to control my anger. Then after a few months of being together the moods came back.
The moods kept getting worse and he kept telling me I was bipolar and manic depressive. Things that happened to me in my past, he said, cause me to be how I am. (I prefer not to get into this part in any detail) I never believed him. I chose to ignore him honestly. THen I got pregnant and the hormones made me go even more crazy. But oddly enough, they say that women have a horrible time with their hormones regulating for about 2 months after the baby is born, well not me. My husband said for the first few weeks I was that girl he met again. The moods actually went away!! But lately things have gotten worse. Every day things get worse.
I start petty little arguements with my husband and they cause him to simply not want to be around me... and who can blame him either? So recently he has been going out with his friend (who happens to be his sisters boyfriend also) And when he leaves me I absolutely freak out. For no reason. Then just on friday when I got home from work he tells me he, his friend and his sister are going out for the night. And since I feel like he is blowing me off it happens again and I loose it. But they still leave and I am stuck at home on a friday night with my daughter while they are all out having fun. But honestly he doesn't want to be with me because of these mood swings, so don't think he is being a jerk, he isn't, he is simply tired of how I get.
When I get mad, no matter how petty the reason, I literally feel my blood preassure sky rocket, my head spins, my adrenaline starts rushing, and no matter what I simply CANNOT control it. Then in a matter of minutes (usually when he is already upset and just wants me to leave him alone) I snap back and start appologizing like crazy, I just can't control myself. Then I go into a crying fit, and get sick to my stomach.
Friday night when they were gone I had to leave (for some reason being alone gets to be badly even if my daugher is there) so I went to my grandparents house to talk to them. My grandmother informed me that she took an anti depressent pill and both my mother and aunt are supposed to but do not. She told me that I need to see a doctor cause I can't keep living like I am. So when I got home I got on the internet, and I looked up bipolar and manic depressive (which is the same thing just two different names) and found a few traits which resembles my feelings but not that many. Then I stumbled onto something...
It was called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). The more I read it the more I found myself saying "OH MY GOD!" because there was not one thing it listed as a "symptom" that wasn't me or how I feel. I called my grandmother and she and my grandfather said they would pay for me to go to the doctor (I don't have health insurance cause we can't afford it) and for my first prescription, cause I know he's going to give me something. I hope he does cause I need something to help me. But now every since I read that I have realized that my husband was right about my past cause the site said it too.
Saturday night my husband and I went out for dinner. He told me that I was acting like the old me again. Now that I read what I did, and finally know what I know, for some reason all I want to do is cry. My stomach hurts and I feel like I'm living in a dream just drifting from one task to the next. I barely played with my daughter today and for me that is unusual.
The more I think about seeing a doctor the more mixed my emotions get. I am anxious to finally feel "right" again, but I am TERRIFIED (horrified, scared, petrified, frightened etc.) about actually seeing the doctor. Imagine it, I can type all this up and tell everyone on here about it and feel safe and comfortable that I'll get support, although I hardly know anyone here... and I am panicy about talking to my family doctor about it!!!
So, here is why I posted this... does anybody here know of anybody who has been diagnosed with BPD? Any thoughts? Actually ANYTHING ANYBODY has to say will probably help me right now. If you don't know what BPD is here is a site that will explain it:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm
I appreciate in advance everybody who responds to this. I am so confused right now. I see things more clearly in a way and that just makes me that much more confused.
~*FROSTY ANGEL*~
~~~~~UPDATE~~~~~~
First thanx to everybody who responded. I went to the Doc and he prescribed Paxil. *crosses fingers* I hope it works. The doc said that people around me would notice a difference before I would. I don't expect it to be an easy jump and I know it's gonna be gradual, but the doc even said that I was brave for going in on my own, that most of the people he has seen has been "dragged" in by a spouse, frind or parent. I appreciate everybody who sent me messages. I'll keep you informed on how I'm doing (you know who you are) Thanx alot!!!
HUGZ AND LOVE!!!
~*FROSTY ANGEL*~
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