Way back in February, I found out that my boyfriend of two years had been cheating on me. He cheated on me with 3 different girls that I know about, there could be more, and he was constantly open to the idea of cheating again. In February it was just like a puzzle that I kept unraveling pieces to, and I didn't find out as much as I know now until well into march and april I would say.
Anyway, I was living down in Texas at the time, away from my family and friends with no one in the world except my boyfriend. After I found all of this out, I moved back to Colorado where my family is. Well, being lonely and miserable and having had such an attachment to him before all of this, I told him I would try and forgive him and somehow I let myself allow him to live here too, with me and my family. He is very convincing when he tells me he won't cheat again, and I do know that the whole ordeal has hurt him very much.
Since he's been here, I have never forgiven him. I try to be friendly toward him but what he did is constantly in my mind and the feeling of betrayal and hurt never leaves my side. Not a day goes by I don't think about it. I don't know what to do anymore. There's no attraction to him anymore but I don't have the nerve to ask him to leave or the strength. I feel so emotionally drained and I don't really know what I'm doing anymore. He has cried over me so much and he's so sensitive that I feel one wrong word could break him. He's jealous and protective, and I'm so so lonely. I feel like despite my own weaknesses I have to stand here and hold him up at the same time and I realize that I care about him more than anyone else in his life does, even with my anger.
I guess my problem is that I'm too nice and too naive. I'm constantly looking for a glimmer of light in the darkness, something to hold on to with him and something to build off of. But I feel like what he has done to me has caused me to become emotionless in a way and neither one of us is happy.
I'm sorry to make this so long, but in the end, I guess my question is just, how can I forgive and forget? I want to have the feelings for him that I had once before, I want to be happy again... but I don't know how. I know in my heart that he does love me, but I can not trust him anyway. Please I need any advice you have. :(
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