A man was mowing his front yard when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to her mailbox. She opened the mailbox, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later, she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and again slammed it shut. Angrily back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the blonde came out again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail.
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A man was relaxing with his evening paper, when there was a knock on the door. He opened it, and saw nobody, so he closed the door and went back to his paper. There was another knock, so he opened the door again. This time, he looked down and saw a small snail. "Mister, could you spare some change?" the snail said. The man picked up the snail, threw him into the bushes, and went back to reading. A year later, there was another knock at the door. It was the snail. "What'd you do that for?"
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As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment.
He must use each new word in a sentence.
1. Catacomb: I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb.
2.Foreclose: If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close.
3. Rectum: I had two Cadillac's, but my BABE rectum both.
4. Disappointment: My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Israel: Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, MAN that watch is rael".
. Undermine: There's a fine lookin' BABE living in the apartment undermine.
7. Acoustic: When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall.
8. Iraq: When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break."
9. Stain: My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"
10. Fortify: I axed this BABE on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy."
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Women vs. Men
2. If you want to control someone, sleep with your remote.
3. I always choose chocolate over men. ALWAYS
4. 51% love goddess...49% Witch. Care to push your luck?
5. My sexual preference is NO
7. It's not the size that counts, it's...no, wait, size does count.
8. Remember men, girls are made of sugar, spice and everything nice.
10. Save your breath for you inflatable date.
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Top 10 Things You'll Never Hear Dad Say
10. Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions from this young lady at the corner.
9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned dates. Won't that be fun? I hope your boyfriend has a car!
8. I notice that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that!
7. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new Riviera. GO CRAZY!!
6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?
5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party.
4. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.
3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching and let's go to the mall!
2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you and your sisters to spend.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY . . .
1. Power tools? For my birthday? Well, I was really hoping for a new tie
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Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name.
The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey:
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name: a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice
Thus, for example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
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