Spilling my emotions onto the floor

Ok well lately I have been acknoledging that i do want to change as a person. I have been trying to replace my anger towards other with acceptance. And learn that life isn't about who gets back at who. Or what can we do to get back at someone. But its like lately I have been so hard trying not to get mad and hold grugdes.

For example there's this girl at my work who talks and talks about these men she dates all the time. And it got annoying afterawhile. So I finally told her that i didn't want to hear about it. Well now she doesn't like me. And I don't know what I did wrong. I mean I feel wierd because I don't know what is wrong? And I didn't even say it meanly.

Another example, this is the hardest thing of all is that my mom keeps trying to tell me what to do. And she yells SO MUCH all the time. I am so trying to ignore it and move on. But there are times I just want to scream at her. So far I have been doing good. But she just keeps screaming and I want to just start a huge fight with her. But i have been walking away lately.

And one of my down falls is that, when someone yells at me I am a person who can easily have someone put a guilt trip on them. I mean if someone gets mad at me. I feel really really bad even if I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know how to fix that. I tell myself I am aiight but I still feel like jerk.

Here's another example:

This one guy i met, hung out with me once, and he was mad cool. So we hung out again. But that night his g-friend came barging into the room and I was like What!?! Anywho he said it wasn't his g-friend. And I was like ok whatever. So he calls me two days later and asks me to hang out again. He never called me back. But I did leave a voice mail on his phone. Ya see i knew the girl he "was" dating and she is pretty psycho. But i just don't get it. I don't think I did anything wrong. But I feel I did. I still feel guilty about it, and it happend only two weeks ago.

I'm sorry I guess its because like at this moment in my life. I am just starting to see things in a new perspective, and I want to change. I don't like holding grudges. In the past if someone made me mad I would be mad at them and try to get back at them somehow, but now its like I am trying to change that anger with compassion. And its starting to get hard to.

I am doing this because i don't like the attitude I use to have. I use to be crabby, synical, and had anger towards other people. Like I never wanted to be around them.

This took a lot for me to say right now. BUt thanks for takings the time to read this if you do. Its just seems really hard to change, when you know you want to as a person.

Peace Out..

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