As we are coming up on High Holidays, it's time once again to explain the correct naming of the holiday Yom Kippur. Studies have shown that how a person pronounces this is an uncanny indicator of their socioeconomic status.
For example, a person who own a Geo Metro or Kia normally pronounces it: "Yahm Kipp' er".
A person who owns a Cadillac normally says: "Yohm' KeePoor'".
While the driver of the Mercedes Benz says: "Merry Christmas".
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When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
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There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins.
In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical school
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These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking among themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth.
The Jewish men are dumbfounded. "My God, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store, an old friend also fluent in Yiddish, "Where did your waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
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Congratulations were showered on Kaplan. His number 49 had won the top prize in the lottery.
"Say Kaplan," asked Goldstein, "how did you happen to pick number 49?"
"I saw it in a dream. Six sevens appeared and danced before my eyes. Six times seven is 49, and that's all there was to it."
"But six times seven is 42 not 49."
"Hah? . . . All right, so you be the mathematician!"
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Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, " You know my son, he graduated fist in his class from Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games....."
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This is a variation on a traditional Jewish custom of tossing crumbs from your pocket into a stream or river on Rosh Hashanah to symbolize ridding yourself of sins. Taking a few crumbs of old bread to Tashlich lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, consider these options...
For ordinary sins, use White Bread For exotic sins, French Bread For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel For complex sins, Multi-grain For twisted sins, Pretzels For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes For sins of indecision, Waffles For sins committed in haste, Matzoh For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzoh For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread For substance abuse, Poppy Seed For speed limit violations, Russian Bread For committing arson, Toast For committing auto theft, Caraway For being ill tempered, Sourdough For silliness, Nut Bread For not giving full value, Shortbread For jingoism, Yankee Doodles For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread For hardening our hearts, Jelly Doughnuts For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls For immodest dressing, Tarts For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes For promiscuity, Hot Buns For racism, Crackers For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers For davening off tune, Flat Bread For being holier than thou, Bagels For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah For indecent photography, Cheese Cake For trashing the environment, Dumplings For sins of laziness, Any Big Loaf For sins of pride, Puff Pastry For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake For selling your soul, Devil's Food Cake For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread For inhaling, Stoned Wheat
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A Rabbi was walking, slowly, out of a schul in New York City, when a gust of wind blew his hat off and down the street. Being an old man who walked with the aid of a cane, he wasn't able to catch up with his hat.
Across the street, a young guy saw what was happening, rushed over and grabbed the hat and returned it to the Rabbi.
"I could not have retrieved my hat by myself," said the Rabbi, "Thank you very much!"
He then placed his hand on the man's shoulder and said, "May G-d bless you."
The young man thought to himself, "I've been blessed by the Rabbi, this must be my lucky day!" He then decided to go to the Racetrack. In the first race he noted a horse named 'Stetson' at 20 to 1.
"A Stetson hat," he thought, "This is a sign!" He bet $50.00 on Stetson, and sure enough, the horse came in first.
In the second race, a horse named 'Fedora' was at 30 to 1!
"A fedora is also hat!" he thought, so he bet all his money on Fedora, who came in first as well.
"Just one more race, and then I'll go home and surprise my wife!" he said. At the end of the day the guy returned home to his wife. She asked him where he had been. He explained how he caught the Rabbi's hat, and how he was blessed by him, and how he then went to the track and bet on horses which were named after hats.
"So where's the money?" she said.
"I lost it all in the third race. I bet on a horse named Chateau, and it lost."
"You fool! Chateau is a house, *Chapeau* is a hat!"
"It doesn't matter," he said, throwing his arms in the air, "The winner was some Japanese horse named Yarmulke..."
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Golda's son Jerry sent some caviar and champagne to his mother for her birthday.
When he asked how she liked them, she replied, "The ginger ale was really delicious but the huckleberries tasted like herring."
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An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
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As he lay on his deathbed he spoke, "Sara, I want you should know before I die that Ginsburg the tailor owes me $200, and Morris the butcher owes me $50, and Klein next door owes me $300."
His wife turned to the children and said, "What a wonderful man your father is. Even when he's dying he's got the brains to realize who owes him money."
The old man continued, "And Sara I want you to also know that I owe the landlord a hundred dollars."
To which his wife cried, "Oh oh, now he's getting delirious!"
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In a little town, tucked into the woods and far from the main roads, the Jews were afraid that the Messiah would come and pass them by. They decided to build a tower on the outskitrs of town, and appointed one of the town's beggars to serve there as watchman. If the Messiah should come, the watchman would give him directions to the town.
One day a stranger approached the tower, and the watchman came down to greet him. "What are you doing here in the middle of the forest?" asked the stranger.
"I sit on top of the tower and wait for the Messiah," answered the watchman.
"How do you like your job?" the stranger asked. "I'm sure it doesn't pay very much."
"That's true," answered the watchman. "But it's steady work."
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They have found a lost scroll that says that there is a food than can be eaten on Yom Kippur.
"McDonalds" because it is a fast food.
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May you be blessed with good neighbors who are there for you when you need them, and who are not around too much when you don't need them.
May the clothing styles of yesterday come back so you I can wear all that stuff, that I don't have the heart to throw away.
Let Nehru jackets, and bell bottom trousers, and slim ties, and Hawaiian prints become fashionable for men again, so that I can be in style again.
And may empire waistlines, and muumus, and granny skirts come back for women.
After all, why should those foreigners -- Armani, Gucci, Versace and Borsini dictate what we wear?
Instead may those great American Jewish designers ...Poly and Ester, reign supreme, and may they bring back those wonderful stretch leisure suits, and sun bonnets and high button shoes, which are no longer seen anywhere, except maybe in Century Village.
May the expressions "you know", and "like", and "whatever" be retired from the language, because they have been overused.
And may those old fashioned expressions:"thank you", "pardon me", "after you", and "you look lovely", come back into use instead.
May we sing songs that are singable, that have lyrics that are understandable, and may we not have to wear ear plugs when our children play music in their rooms.
In this new year that now begins, may your hair, your teeth, your facelift and your stocks not fall. And may your blood pressure, your cholesterol and your mortgage interest rate not rise.
May the world enjoy a year that is free of hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, and political speeches, which produce the most wind of all.
May you have a spouse, or a child or a friend,or a grandchild, who loves you, even though they really know you. And may you learn that giving love away freely without strings is the surest way of receiving it in return.
And, in the darkest moments of this new year, and there will be some dark moments, be assured of that, in those dark moments of the year, may you remember that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that God loves you, that is why He made you just a little bit lower than the angels.
May you win the lottery, and thereby acquire a host of long lost relatives, and may you remember Beth Tikvah when you win.
May your insurance pay whatever your doctor charges, without insisting on any further investigation, and may the IRS accept whatever you pay, without insisting on any further investigation too.
May your children or your grandchildren receive a good report in school. And may you receive a good report too, from your dentist, from your ophthalmologist, from your dermatologist, from your cardiologist, from your gastroenterologist, from your podiatrist, from your urologist, and ultimately, from your God.
May there be peace this year between the Jews of Israel and the Arabs, and may there also be peace between the Jews of Israel, which sometimes seems much more difficult to achieve.
May your bank statement and your budget both balance, and may they both include generous amounts for charity.
May we discover evidence of civilized life on Mars this year, and, more important, may we discover evidence of civilized life, here on Earth.
May you recieve a letter from a long lost friend, and a kiss from a long indifferent spouse or child.. and may you see a smile on the face of your doorman, your mailman, and when you look in the mirror, every day.
May you feast your eyes often in this new year on green trees, on blue waters, and best of all, on the happy face of a grandchild, whom you have just embraced.
May we keep rage off of the freeways, and out of the workplace, and out of our homes, and direct it instead at racism, at poverty and at all the evils that we politely tolerate.
May we learn in this new year that what really counts the most is not the years but the days, not the machines we have in our lives, but the people we have in our lives, not how much we can accumulate but how much we can share, and with whom.
May you have enough to give you contentment, and may you have enough left over, so that you can be generous.
May the telemarketers not call you during dinner time, and instead, may you receive calls, from long lost friends, and from new ones too.
May the messiah come this year... and if she doesn't, may we try to live as if she has.
And may you wish for me what I wish for you tonight.. a shana tovah umetukah, a sweet and a good new year, amen.
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