= = = =What should you do if = = = = WOODEN NICKEL   Author:  27583  Category:(Humor) Created:(9/21/2003 6:22:00 PM) This post has been Viewed (537 times) 1. Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? A. Shoot him again. 3. Q. Why do little boys whine? A. Because they're practicing to be men. 4.How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. 5. Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy. 6. Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough. 7. Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg? A.Because not one will stop and ask directions. 8. Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A. To stop the snoring before it starts . 12. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals" =================== Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out =============== What's the difference between a dry cleaner and a lawyer? The cleaner pays you if he loses your suit. If a lawyer loses your suit, he will still take you to the cleaners. ================= Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? ================== Teacher asks Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice says, "I played in the sand box." Teacher says "That's good. Go to the blackboard and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Little Johnny what he did at recess. Johnny says, "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Johnny does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Alice and Johnny, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a cookie..." ===================== Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single. ================== Got my phone bill the other day ... What ever happened to free speech. =================== A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter. "Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women." Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit. "What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!" ===================== Quotes of Einstein On Knowledge: ------------- "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." "Imagination is more important than knowledge." "The only real valuable thing is intuition." "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen." "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing." ====================== You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here Scroll all the way down to read replies. Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here ) Spring is coming