How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other
===================== May you have an honest minister and a dishonest beauty therapist.
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Q: What do you call a veterinarian with laryngitis?
A: A hoarse doctor.
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Beau Bridges took a meterology course in which the instructor was describing how hail is formed -- much higher than the usual rain clouds. When he asked where specifically it happened, he was told, "Somewhere over the rain, Beau."
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Little Noah came into the house with a new harmonica. "Grandpa, do you mind if I play this in here?""Of course not, Noah. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life." "What happened?" "Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely." "How about you?" "Me? I accompanied her on the piano!"
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While at a water park, my four-year-old son and I were sitting on a bench eating ice cream. I had on a pink-and-black-striped swimsuit. We looked up just as a very beautiful young woman with a gorgeous figure walked by, and she happened to be wearing a similar suit.
My son looked at her, then at me. "Look, Mom!" he said. "That lady has on a swimsuit just like yours, only hers is a different shape."
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Bubba from the lower valley decided he wanted to get married, and brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa over grits and gravy the other night.
"Bubba," Ma said, "you can't get married yet. Why, you're the baby of the family."
"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I had my 38th birthday jest last week."
"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed in. "But your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from High School."
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FOOD SPOILAGE TABLE
Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.
FREEZER FOODS:
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
IN THE FRIDGE:
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway--if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad.
CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
ON THE SHELF:
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a basketball should be disposed of... Very carefully.
WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.
"My love," he wrote " we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife.
"Darling" he said, "I can't wait !"
"First let's see you play that harmonica!"
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Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Mike throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Joe says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he PPPOOPPPED in my pants, too."
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