After the phone call from Ace I went back into Allie’s room – I guess the term visiting hours didn’t apply to me anymore, I was basically living at the hospital – gave her a kiss, and then found my way to the cafeteria. Johanna General Hospital’s breakfast menu certainly did look appetizing, but the food… well… it wasn’t that great. I’m not complaining, but… let’s just say, I’m glad I wasn’t going to have to eat this food everyday.
Picking up my ham and egg sandwich, I began to think. Why did I stay in that house for so long? Is there such a thing as destiny, where everything is planned out for us, and we follow an invisible path without realizing it? Or… do our actions dictate what’s to come each day? I used to think it was the latter, but now I wonder. Many times I wanted to leave. Just take Allie, and get away from my mother, from Windmill Glen, from the cornstalks… from everything. But I stayed… and I don’t know why I did.
And as I buttered my breakfast muffin, I thought back. Sure I didn’t have much money, and sure I didn’t have a car… and sure, I was only seventeen. But… if I really wanted to I think I could’ve gotten out; I stayed though. That made me wonder… was it my destiny to meet Ace? I wasn’t sure of the answer to that question, and I’m still not sure of the answer. Yet, I believed it was destiny.
Suddenly, I let go of all of those thoughts, and began to cry. Though the tears that streamed from my eyes were not tears of pain… they were tears of anger, and tears of… well, rage. The heck with destiny, and the heck with faith; my life was pitiful… it was ridiculous. I was living in a nightmare, and was doing nothing about it. My dignity, and my pride, which only started to be repaired on my trip to the ocean, was being torn to shreds once again. The thoughts of happiness that I had been feeling were drifting away from me.
What outweighed all of these things though, was the fact that Allie had an IV in her arm, and a tube hooked up to her nose to assist her breathing. How could I have ever thought that, even for one second, there was such a thing as destiny? Thinking about it more, there was no way that Allie needed to get hurt just so I could meet Ace. Good God what am I even talking about… why was I even thinking this. I guess there was a point to it somewhere, but I sure didn’t see it. And, as I sat there finishing my breakfast, I knew I was going to have to go back to Windmill Glen; the anger inside of me was just too much. I wasn’t going to wait for Ace to come and get me. My mother, and that thing she was with, had to be held accountable for what they did.
I went back up to Allie’s room after breakfast, and sat with her. Her eyes stayed closed, but that didn’t stop me from talking to her. I wasn’t sure if she could hear me or not. I’m sure some part of her could though.
“Hey cutie pie,” I said, as I took a few strands of hair, which had fallen on her cheeks, into my fingers and gently placed the strands behind her ear. “You know… you sure are the cutest little thing.” I smiled at her, and continued, “Allie… I’m really sorry. I’m sorry because I didn’t protect you the way I should have. I didn’t think that I would have ever failed you… but I did.”
I began to cry, “But Allie… you have to understand one thing… I love you… I love you so much. If it wasn’t for you Allie… I don’t know where I would be. You kept me strong… you kept me straight… and you most important… you gave me hope. It kills me to see you like this.”
The tears came harder as I spoke, “But… but I know, Allie… I know that you’re going to be just fine. Because… you gave me hope; a will to live… and… Allie, I know for a fact that your will is so much stronger then mine. Your so much more courageous then me… so… I know that you’ll have that will to live as well. Allie… you’re going to be just fine. I just hope that someday… someday Allie… you can forgive me for failing you. Once you’re out of here… I promise… that I will never fail you again Allie. You know… I wish you could’ve met your grandma.”
My tears, and sobs began to subside, as I continued, “When I was feeling worthless, and lonely because of what mom was putting me through, grandma used to tell me something that would make me feel so good… She used to tell me that God gave the world children, so that even on the cloudiest, and rainiest days we could still have sunshine. Then she would touch my nose… I don’t know why, but when she touched my nose, that always made me smile. Allie, everyday, since you have been in this world, you have brightened my days more then you could ever imagine.” I then touched Allie’s little nose, just like grandma used to touch mine, and… although her eyes stayed shut, and she remained motionless, Allie smiled. It was the most wonderful smile I had ever seen.
And that smile also gave me bravery. After sitting with Allie for another few hours, I caught a cab back to Windmill Glen. The two people that did this to Allie was going to get what was coming to them, and it couldn’t wait any longer. And although it may have been a stupid move, to go back to Windmill Glen without Ace, it was something I felt I had to do. It was time to create my one shot. It was time to take care of this… once and for all.
To Be Continued…
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