I am barely sitting down when I hear a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's rooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answer, somewhat embarrassedly: "Not bad!"
And the other guy says: "So what's up with you?"
What a question? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "I'm like you, just traveling east!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
=================
A couple of weeks ago I indicated that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, D.C. But I'm 50 now and the Armed Forces says I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the Army.
They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to the fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35 years old. For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10-seconds. Old guys think about sex every 15 seconds, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky and grumpy. A cranky and grumpy soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission or surrender. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"
An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal bottle of beer yet, and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink beer. An average old guy, on the other hand, has probably consumed at least 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35, and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack on and an M-60 over your shoulder would do wonders for a beer belly.
An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early just to show we can [and to steal the neighbors newspaper.] If old guys got captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank and serial number would be a real brain teaser. If it wasn't for the age barrier, I'd pretty much be able to get into the Army without a hitch.
According to the Army Internet site, I'd need to pass an entrance exam [officially called an ASVAB], but the simple questions I saw weren't exactly headache material. Boot Camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.
The Army could lighten up on the obstacle course, however. I've been to the desert and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now. "Get down and give me.....er.....one!" And the running part seems to be a heck of a waste of good energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
I'm reminded of the story of the young bull and the old bull standing on a hill looking down at the cows. "Let's run down there and visit one of those cows," says the young bull. "How about we WALK down there and visit ALL those cows," replies the old bull.
Patience is something most 18-year-olds simply do not have. For good reason too. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To learn that a pierced tongue catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to a possible death.
Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten, filthy, cowards who attacked our country. The last thing they'd want to see right now would be a couple of million old guys with attitudes!
====================
Hannibal Chips, the cannibal, From Marina
Do you know what Hannibal calls John Goodman? Dinner for two.
Do you know what Hannibal calls the phone book? A menu.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Hillary Clinton? Frozen dinner.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Abe Vigoda and Erik Estrada? Fish and chips.
Do you know why Hannibal was sorry he ate the guy at theTexaco station? Gave him gas.
Do you know what Hannibal calls a homeless man? Hungry man dinner.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Ally McBeal? Lean Cuisine.
Do you know what Hannibal calls the guy who runs the electric chair? Chef
Do you know what Hannibal calls Mike Tyson? A wannabe.
Do you know what Hannibal calls a boy band? An extra value meal.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Britney Spears and Christine Agulirea? Pop Tarts.
Do you know what Hannibal calls Richard Simmons? Flaming desert.
====================
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems going around. The teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." The teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
=====================
A tenant in an apartment house phoned the police that there was a fight going on in the apartment right over him. So when the policeman arrived at the upstairs apartment, he heard furniture being thrown around and signs of a good old family brawl. He rapped on the door with his nightstick and the door was opened by a very determined and disheveled woman. "Who's head of the family here?" "You just wait a minute and I'll tell you. That's what we're trying to settle inside.
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Spring is coming |
