blonde jokes
AUTO REPAIRS A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
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SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Hey You!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river, and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
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KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lightsand siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
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BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other in disbelief and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
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IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
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FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
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GOD LOVES BLONDES A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray ... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays ... God!, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house, and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays ... "My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself ... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this ...... Buy a ticket."
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OUT FOR A WALK Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks. "Looks like deer tracks," said one blonde. "No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested. "Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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"Boxes From God"
I held in my hands two boxes Which God gave me to hold, He said, "Put all your sorrows in the black, And all your joys in the gold."
I heeded His words, and in the two My sorrows and joys I stored, But though the gold became fuller each day, The black was as light as before.
Curious, I opened the black box, As I wanted to find out why, And I saw in the base of the box a hole Which my sorrows had fallen out by.
I showed the hole to God, and mused, "I wonder where my sorrows could be." He smiled a gentle smile and said, "My child, they're all here with me."
I asked, "God, why give me the boxes, Why the gold, and the black with the hole?" He said, "The gold is to count your blessings, And the black is for you to let go."
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