A coin collector was proud of his huge collection of historic American coins. One of his favorites was a one-penny piece with featuring an Iroquois brave in a feather headset. He showed the coin to his friends and was arrested for an Indian cent exposure.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a dog with a cantaloupe? A: A melon-collie baby.
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"A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone."
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The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office.
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There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
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A young bride who refused to cook her new husband any type of soup he asked for. The husband divorces her on the grounds that the marriage had never been consomme-ted.
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A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
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Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh
12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
15. Hey capt'n take another hit man...
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Jill and Little Johnny were riding down the road and Little Johnny swerved slightly to go past a pretty blonde jogging.
Jill said, "Did you see her?"
"Well, yeah." said Little Johnny.
"That really gets me. I've never understood that about women. She was wearing a necklace, two bracelets, hoop earrings, her nails were freshly polished with Salerno Mavala nail polish, she'd recently spritzed Chanel behind her ears, and she was wearing Yves Saint Laurent lip gloss!" Jill said.
"You noticed all that?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes I did. You didn't?" replied Jill.
Little Johnny said, "Not exactly. All I noticed was that she had legs all the way up to her very well rounded cute little butt, a spectacular CHEST and no wedding ring."
Then Little Johnny had to swerve again to avoid being slapped by an even more upset Jill.
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Personals Abreviations Chips ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LWM = "live with Mom"
BTD = "bore {you} to death"
PEM = "pathetic excuse for a man"
MMP = "married male predator"
TSZ = "twelve-step zealot"
CHF = "collect Hummel figures"
IPH = "impossibly poofy hair"
ACS = "Active Canker Sores"
PDP = "Pants Dropping President"
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Letter to the DENTON RECORD CHRONICLE from Dwight Crawford Sr. of Sanger, Texas:
TERRORISM-WHAT IS THAT? I get a big laugh at the dialogue of Osama bin Laden, the Taliban, politicians, and the news media. They say terrorists will hit us again in the oncoming weeks and months. What a joke! You have a better chance of getting killed on Interstate 35E than by a terrorist. Osama has probably seen 100 degree plus summers in Afghanistan, but he doesn't have fire ants to go with it. If he did he wouldn't be sleeping on the ground in his cave. He talks of pain and suffering he is going to inflict on us. He doesn't know what pain is until he gets kicked by a green broke, two year old colt in a freezing rain. Germ warfare? Texas ticks will give you Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever and Lime disease, blister beetles kill your horse, green bugs destroy a wheat crop, and termites eat your house. Anthrax has killed Texas cattle for over 125 years. What's new? Our prairie dogs carry the plague, armadillos carry leprosy, and our bats and skunks carry rabies. We have rattlesnakes, copperheads, and water moccasins. Ho hum. They talk of gas and biological warfare. They have never pulled in behind a cattle truck while its raining, or ridden in the front seat of a pick-up between two cowboys after they just eaten a big bowl of Texas Red Beans. Texas ain't for sissies! We have posted signs all over the state that say "Don't mess with Texas!" Osama, consider yourself warned!
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A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels. As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers, "Tunnel ahead. Look out!"
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde's words were, "That stupid son of a GUN He should have told me to look *in*!"
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