A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my chest is barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself." He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
MEN Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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A Smugglers' boat was sighted by the Coast Guard. They dumped all their pot overboard, and it washed up on an island populated by sea gulls, terns and other sea birds. In a couple of days all over the island........ .......there wasn't a tern unstoned.
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Q: Did you hear about the boy who ate 8 lemons and limes? A: He burped 7 Up
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A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga.She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally. Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. ---George Burns
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"How come you're late?" asked the bartender, as the blonde waitress walked into the bar. "It was awful," she explained. "I was walking down Elm street and there was a terrible accident. A man was thrown from his car and he was lying in the middle of the street. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course." "What did you do?" asked the bartender. "I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
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"Good afternoon, Landlord, a pint of Less if you please," said the old man. "Less? Never heard of it," replied the barman. "Oh, come now surely you have," he persisted. "No sorry, we certainly don't stock it. What is it anyway? Some foreign beer?" "Well I'm not sure," admitted the man. "It was the doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink less."
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Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead? She was trying to make-up her mind!
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The old man staggered into the doctor's office, leaning heavily on the arm of his son. Slowly he made his way into the examination room where the doctor appeared and asked the old fellow how he felt. "Well Doc, it's like this. I'm still kickin' all right, but I ain't raising any dust."
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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
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