Fired
FIRED! “What do you mean, I’ve been fired?”
I looked at my boss as he mumbled about budget cuts, non-viable project, not enough results.
All this was going in one ear and out the other as my mind spun. Fired I thought to myself. Fifty-three years old and I no longer had a job. My wife had left me more than a decade ago because I was a workaholic. My kids were in college and only corresponded with me when they needed money. How could I continue to pay for their college? My wife got the house when we divorced and I got the mortgage payment.
As my life came crashing down in front of me I realized… I had nothing except bills and other debts. Nothing. NOTHING! Except for the bills.
Two security officers stood with me while I cleared the personal belongings from my desk. I guess they were concerned that I might steal a paper clip or something.
I evaluated my options that night over a bottle of cognac. For the last ten years I had worked on top-secret government projects. None of my work had been published in peer-reviewed journals due to the secret nature. I stood very little chance of finding employment again in the academic sector. In fact, I realized, I stood little chance of finding work again as a bacteriologist.
The last decade of my life had been spent working on highly sensitive material. What a laugh. I worked on e-coli bacteria. E-coli was found in the intestines of all people. I had worked on subtly modifying these bacteria. You could label the bacteria in such a way, that people’s emissions (gas) could be detected. So if you were worried about people from a certain area sneaking into your country the machines could essentially sniff them out. All you had to do was get some of this, harmless, bacteria on their foods and they would easily be spotted. Contaminating their food supply was child’s play. Specific labels could essentially be applied to who ever you choose. Foreign troops hiding in the mountains could be sniffed out.
My system had been shown to work, but now I was out of work. Funding cut, probably by some stupid congressman that didn’t appreciate the subtlety of tracking small groups of people by their odors. Idiots. That’s what they were. IDIOTS!
The more I drank, the more I knew that I had to show the world that my work was magnificent. I could manipulate the bacteria to do what I wanted. I still had all my research data on cd-rom. I had three months severance pay and it didn’t take much to set up the basics of a bacteriological lab. Heck, I could do what I wanted in my kitchen.
I even had a few of my strains in my freezer. Security at the lab had been so bad. What would a security guard look for when they searched my briefcase? They didn’t have a clue. So, I set to work. At most, I figured that I had a few weeks. Then, the rent would be due, and I had to pay tuition for my kids and alimony. Thanks goodness that I had kept some of my research at home. I always worried that a power failure at work could set me back years so I kept a number of my specimens at home.
Bacteria multiply quickly. I ended up using a huge iron cauldron on top of my kitchen stove to make my final batch. I wished that I had more time to test it before I released it but I HAD BEEN FIRED!!!
I did wear latex gloves as I went to the supermarkets and wholesale produce markets in the Washington, DC area. I handled so much of the fruit and vegetables they might have thought I was strange, but no one noticed. I just kept putting my hand in my pocket where I had some of my little critters and then spread it all over.
I felt a little like Johnny Appleseed as I spread my E-coli all over Washington, DC. Three days later a small article appeared in the Washington Post titled: “IS IT THE FLU?” The next day an even bigger article appeared “Washington residents reporting flu like symptoms.” The fourth day my little bugs had made the front page. “EPIDEMIC IN WASHINGTON, DC,”screamed the headlines.
They didn’t know where it came from. I chuckled. The most noticeable symptom was copious quantities of methane produced by those that had been afflicted. It didn’t seem to have any other side affects.
The president would be addressing the Nation that night at six o’clock.
I went home to watch.
The lights dimmed as the President approached the podium. After the applause he started to speak, but interrupted himself with a tremendous fart. “There is nothing to fear from this outbreak” Another huge gas release ballooned from his pants. The President looked uncomfortable. The camera panned the distinguished audience. You could see some of them fidgeting in their seats. You could hear the audience farting in addition to the clicking of cameras.
That was when the news commentators started laughing.
Peter Jennings said, "I-I'm sorry, but it's like that scene from Blazing Saddles when the cowboys ate too many beans!"
The President continued to reassure the Nation that there was no cause for alarm, but he continued to interrupt himself with thunderclap like noises.
The cameras cut back to Peter Jennings again who didn’t know he was on. “He really is a windbag tonight,” he was caught saying. Then he must have notice the camera light. “We seem to be having technical difficulties,” he said then he let one rip. He started laughing so hard he fell off his chair.
I thought to myself “There are some results they can measure!”
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