= = = = = You Don't Want to Overhear = = = = = WOODEN NICKEL   Author:  27583  Category:(Humor) Created:(10/24/2003 4:47:00 PM) This post has been Viewed (543 times) Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System 1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices. 2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts. 3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your flight a sight seeing extravaganza. 4. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence) 5. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back .... we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something..... 6. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!) 7. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car) 8. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway... 9. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie. 10. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh... 11. Don't worry! That one is always on E... 12. Get the parachutes ready... 13. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having... 14. Hey capt'n take another hit man... =================== You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!" =================== Two babies were sat in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Yo! Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply. "Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your crib and find out." He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones." ================== DIFFERENT FRIENDS There are friends with a little "f" and friends with a big "F." The first is a large group with sloppy admission standards, the other an elite and time-tested crew. A little "f" friend: Identifies themselves when they call. A big "F" Friend: Doesn't have to. A Little "f" Friend: Opens a conversation with a full news bulletin on their life. A Big "F" Friend: says: "What's new with you?" A Little "f" Friend: Thinks the problems you whine about are recent. A Big "F" Friend: says: "You've been whining about the same thing for 14 years. Get off your duff and do something about it." A Little "f" Friend: Has never seen you cry. A Big "F" Friend: Has shoulders soggy from your tears. A Little "f" Friend: Doesn't know your parent's first names. A Big "F" Friend: Has your parent's phone numbers in they're address book. A Little "f" Friend: Knows almost nothing about your family. A Big "F" Friend: Knows the medical history, dietary habits and marital troubles of everyone on your tree. A Little "f" Friend: Brings a bottle of wine to your party. A Big "F" Friend: Comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean. A Little "f" Friend: Calls you at 10 p.m. just to chat. A Big "F" Friend: Knows you hate to be called after 9 p.m. A Little "f" Friend: Wonders about your romantic history. A Big "F" Friend: Could blackmail you with it! A Little "f" Friend: When visiting, they act like a guest. A Big "F" Friend: When visiting, they open your refrigerator, put they're feet on the sofa, talks back to your spouse and reprimands your children. A Little "f" Friend: Thinks the friendship is over when you argue. A Big "F" Friend: Knows that a friendship's not a friendship until you've had a fight. =================== Life Gives... Life gives us many blessings but there are only a few that compare to the joy I have in knowing you You're dependable and true and always there for me thank you for everything you do so thoughtfully You are so dear to me and very special too I truly am thankful I found a friend in you ==================== My friend's son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 20 years of experience. "Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked. The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts." ================= TEACHER: Why are you late? WEBSTER: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow," _____________ TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables! _____________ TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?" JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong JOHN: Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! ____________ TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water? SARAH: H I J K L M N O!! TEACHER: What are you talking about? SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O! ______________ TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America. GEORGE: Here it is! TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: George! _____________ TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WILLIE: Me! ____________ TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty? TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _____________ TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I." ELLEN: I is... TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am." ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _____________ TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?" JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." _____________ TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand." ______________ TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. _______________ TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog! _____________ TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PUPIL: A teacher. You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click here Scroll all the way down to read replies. Show all stories by   Author:  27583 ( Click here ) Spring is coming