"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard!"
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. A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said "low bridge ahead."
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid "Trucker's Wedgie."
Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver said, "No officer,... I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!"
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Q. Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?
A. He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but couldn't stop as fast.
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I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra.
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What kind of word is "wedlock"? You both know your're not "locked" into anything, and you can get out anytime you please. With a good lawyer, you can "lock" onto anything the two of you acquired during the marriage, including "mutual" friends! --MM
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A local high school's ---50th reunion remind me of stick-ing a wet finger in a light socket and jerking it out just in time to say, "Hey, y'all, watch this. That almost killed me. I think I'll do it again." As awesome as high school- was for pimply faced teenagers, why would anyone want to relive that experience with the same class-mates fifty years later? B-ut all seriousness aside, no one attends reunions just to meet old classmates. Reunions are an excuse to impress acquaintances they have not seen in umpteen years, and will not see again for another 50 years.
Strictly by longevity, everyone who attends a 50th reunion is a senior citizen, and should get in at an old folk's rate like a senior's coffee at the local fast food restaurant.
Furthermore, since they are senior citizens and cannot either see how to drive after dark, or have the motor skills to manage turn signals, all festivities should end by noon. This will give them time to get home before the sun goes down.
Everyone attending should arrive looking successful. Looking successful means washing your John Deere cap and wearing it formally with the bill in front.
Successful people smell good. -This means brushing your tooth, wearing clean underwear, and using deodorant. Bay rum cologne is out.
Every time I use bay rum cologne, a high-way patrolman stops me for a sobriety -test. If there is one thing a 50th reunion does not need, it is a room full of old people with pacemakers stressed out blowing in balloons or trying to maneuver chalk lines with walkers.
One of the best ways to show you are successful is to arrive in a fireball red, two-seat coupe with a ski rack on the trunk. Old folk don't ski but it looks impressive.
Anyone arriving in a luminous red two-seat sport coupe smelling and looking good with a ski rack on the trunk will be considered either successful, or in a mid-life crisis with a maxed-out credit card.
Don't let this agenda bother you. The important thing is to be there! If you don't come, everyone will make up their own rumors and talk about you all night. My life has not been all I hoped it would be. If I was attending a 50th high school reunion, this is the spin I would put on my life's story since graduation.
Immediately after high school I enlisted in the Air Force for three hots and a cot. The very next morning I went into pilot training. -I distinctly remember someone walking me up yelling, --"Maggot! Wake up! Take those boxes of toilet paper and pile it neat."
After twelve years of pile it training, I went to Vietnam as a CIA aerial reconnaissance photographic intelligence officer to make weekly Presidential briefing films on the progress of the war.
Although napalm explosions looked spectacular, I knew blowing up truck parks was not winning the war. Upon my recommendations, President Johnson ordered all American personnel to leave Vietnam immediately if not sooner.
After the CIA I went to work with the Department of Education. One day I weren't no teacher and the next day I were one. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Don't forget that we're all in this to-gether. I'm pulling for you!".
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An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
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** Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler **
Fool other drivers into thinking you have a cell phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Save on alcohol by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
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"Dreaded Old Age"
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine anything worse than being old. How awful it must be to have nothing to do all day long but stare at the walls or watch TV?
So last week, when the President suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by cheering up a senior citizen, I decided to do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, and who, I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter because he was too old to take care of himself. I baked a batch of cookies, and, without bothering to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I went off to brighten this old guy's day. When I rang the doorbell this "old guy" came to the door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt, looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny Osmond. "I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh that's all right," I said. "I baked you some cookies..." "Great!" he interrupted, snatching the box. "Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow! Thanks so much!" I continued, "...and just thought we'd visit a while. But that's okay! I'll just trot across the street and call on Granny Grady." "Don't bother," he said. "Gran's not home; I know. I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned at breakfast (at which house?) that she had an appointment for a tint job." . .... So I went home and called my Mother's cousin (age 83); she was in the hospital ... ... working in the gift shop. . .... I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China. . I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot; ...... he was on his honeymoon. .... .... I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just don't think I'm up to it.
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. I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus. What if you wanted a day off?
You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able to make it to today's sermon. What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"
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Why do those travel ads always show blissfully happy couples walking on the sand beside the ocean? Don't these people also have palmetto bugs the size of cats, sand in their sheets, luggage that went to Toronto, a family of 16 in the adjoining room, a newly-wed couple trying for the GUINESS BOOK OF RECORDS on the other side of them, cold-water showers, and "Houskeeepeeeng" that always shows up at 7 A.M.?
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"Right now in Spain, it's the annual Running of the Bulls. Followed, of course, by the Soiling of the Pants and then the Burying of the Idiots."
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"Family Stress Test"
How to score: 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true. 1. ___ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. ___ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ___ The cat is on Valium.
4. ___ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ___ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ___ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
7. ___ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ___ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ___ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10.___ No-Doze gives you bulk rates.
How you rate: 30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood! 20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in your life. Crank it up. 10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path? 0- 9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
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