FUNNIEST SCHOOL EXCUSES 1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
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A young man wants to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary, so he decides to buy her a cell phone. When his wife unwraps the gift, he sits next to here and explains all the features on the phone. The next day, the blonde goes to the beauty salon. While she is getting her hair done, the cell phone rings and it's her husband. "Hi honey," he says, "What do you think of your new phone?" "Oh, I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell." "Well, I'm glad you like it," he says. There's a moment of silence, and then she continues, "But, there's one thing I don't understand how did you know I was at the beauty parlor?"
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A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. "Oh," said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
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During a tour of Boston, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Cape for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man, wearing a pin-striped Yankees jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.
As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Red Sox jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark s'side.
The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Yankee fan from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he said. "I have been told about there being bad blood between Sox and Yankee fans but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know jack about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another Yankee?"
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It's a beautiful, warm spring morning, a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her st raps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up. Show your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache.
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A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like the guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square.
In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.
"Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"
"For about 50 years" he said.
"What do you pray for?"
"For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a DARN wall."
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