A BLONDES REVENGE .....
WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet? "
WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage
WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache
WHY ARE THERE NOT ANY JOKES ABOUT GRAY HAIRED LADIES? Because they will kick your butt if you do!!!
=======================
An elderly woman bought a parrot.
The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.
The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.
She bought the parrot and the next week she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's daRned cold in here!"
Everyone turned to look at her, she ran out of the church in total embarrassment!
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.
The owner offered the following solution: "If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 times and return him to your shoulder."
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and sure enough just as the sermon started the parrot squawked, "It's daRned cold in here!"
Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 times and placed him back on her shoulder.
The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty DARN windy, too."
====================
==================
Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked her cousin, a woman who had lived a riotous, free life, into joining the Temple.
"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin will have her sins forgiven after all those years?"
"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater the number of sins, the greater the glory."
"Really Rabbi?", the old lady replied. "I sure do wish I'd known that fifty years ago."
===============
"Tessie, did you know that Ethel passed away last week?"
"No, Becky, I didn't. Did her husband, Joe, take it hard?"
"He did, Tessie, but not as hard as Irving, their border, who everyone knew was carrying on with Ethel. As a matter of fact, when she died, Irving went to pieces. He couldn't eat and he couldn't sleep. He just sat around the house and moped."
"So what happened?"
"I'll tell you what happened. A few days after the funeral, Joe said to their border. "Stop your worrying. Irving, I'll get married again!"
======
===================
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up and demands to know what is going on. "I'm about to close," the surgeon says. The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!" The surgeon hands him the thread and says, "Suture self".
======================
HUMOROUS LOOK AT HOW TO BECOME A GOOD DEMOCRAT OR FRENCHMAN
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat, than U.S. nuclear weapons technology, in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it?????
11. You have to believe the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E.Lee or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't?
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. (?)
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21. You have to believe that this letter is part of a vast right wing conspiracy.
==================
Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.
A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.
** Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.
** Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.
** Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.
** Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.
** Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the airplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
** Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognize that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult maneuver to follow in an airplane.
** Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.
===================
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, 'Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!'"
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Spring is coming |
