Today was very busy and at the end of the day Grandma and me went to the doctor office where she cleans and weighed myself on the 'heavy' scale (it weighs you heavier then on the average home scale by like 1-3lbs.) After a cookie, a slice of angel food cake, pop, breadsticks, and pizza (lol thats all I ate today) I was skeptical and worried. The scale weighed in about 178 or 179lbs (lol i was just glad it was down from last time). Well that got me to thinkin 'I'm goin back to Spencer tomorow I should repierce my belly button (the guy said to come back in and he would do it for free...though I really dont wanna go there I'm broke) while I'm there...' That got me wondering what the date was when I first had it done (and I was heavier) so I went through some of my old post. I found it, it was early August.
But as I looked through this old post I found a diary of a sad girl. I've gone through my old post at least once every year or so for some reason or another and I always think 'OMG I was such a fluffy!' Or 'OMG I sounded so immature or young...' Well considering I've been here 3 years thats not to uncommon. But as I looked for this post man I found a lot of my depression post just from a year ago. Post about why I was depressed, like guys shouting mean things at me from cars, kids ignoring me, my 'friends' treating me like crap, and me barely hanging on to life. Man those things hurt...
Am I any better for my expierences? Since those posts have been written I've turned a year older, lost about 15lbs (and counting :D), I now live with my Grandparents, and I dropped out of school.
But to be perfectly honest I think I'm living a better life now, yet those hurtful things are still effecting me. I only leave the house once a week (now 3 times a week thanks to my crappy driving lessons but that will only last tell mid November), I only use the phone to occasionally call my sister, I have literally 0 friends, maybe 1 or 2 I occasionally talk to online but thats it. And you know what? About once everytime I go somewhere I get told by my teachers/chiropractors/whatever that I act to tense and seem really like on edge. My music teacher just today told me I act really tensed up and so did the eye doctor lady (stupid contacts LOL), and heck I my chriopractor (and both vocal teachers) made a point of pointing out I keep my shoulders real hunched up and the rest of my body tense.
I still get depressed a lot, I've mostly blocked all those old horror stories out of my head but a few of them occasionally run through me. I dont trust people for anything and apparently my body is on edge every waking moment! I'm also very cynical and I just cant stand being around most people my age, I just loathe them and when I see the happy crowds of girls my age giggling and trying on their size 0 pants at the mall I have to use the things I have learned in Wicca to keep myself from cursuing them (usually a nice 'blessings' in my head LOL hard to do though). I know that makes me an awful person but when you hear a bubbly girl your age walk by on her cell phone (with her cackle of friends) saying 'Oh make sure they dont drink my wine coolers' when your all alone it just is really hard. I try though, I try my best.
Sorry theres really no point to this post, just had to reflect for myself a moment on all that has happened...
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