Possible New Slogans for Michigan
The one that looks like a mitten, you moron.
Where used cars from Florida bring top dollar.
No hurricanes here.
The Orange Barrel State.
Stop and see the Giant Man-eating Clam on the trip north.
So close to Canada you can hardly tell the difference.
We know the rules to euchre.
Got fudge?
Two Mystery Spots. No waiting.
Yes, the Porcupines are real mountains.
Soda? We say pop here, buddy.
The Midwestern "M" state without a wrestler for governor.
No riots since '67.
More than just boarded-up auto plants.
Casino fever - catch it.
Home of Kalkaska dirt, our state soil.
Sandy beaches without severe undertow.
Happiness is a warm pasty.
Imagine an island where horse manure still litters the streets.
Water enough for any drought.
Visit Hell, Paradise, and Climax.
Birthplace of Meijer Thrifty Acres.
Where Ontario is a shortcut to New York.
Just a serial killer away from enacting capital punishment.
Gerald Ford slept here.
It's called snow. Get used to it.
Where the names of high-toned suburbs needlessly end with "e".
Deer processing available here.
Not as flat as Indiana.
Once a swamp unfit for habitation.
Try eating corn flakes without us.
Hardly any annoying lizards or poisonous snakes.
Big on flannel.
It's not the heat. It's the humidity.
Smoked fish sold here.
Good people with camping trailers.
We moved American history to Dearborn.
Uncle Ted rules.
No toll roads and proud of it.
Who you calling a hick?
Our biggest bridge makes yours look puny.
Nearly went to war with Ohio once and will do it again if they pull any funny stuff.
Land of snow machines and bass boats.
DARN mosquitoes.
We know a place where wooden shoes are always in style.
Where lousy teams get new stadiums.
Consider Amway.
Speed limit back up to 70, so move it.
The Red Wings State.
Three out of four seasons very pleasant.
=====================
Two longtime golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies . . . "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.
Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop - two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
==================
Three women were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know, my son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making half a million dollars a year and lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son; he never did too well in school. He never went to any university, but he now makes one million dollars a year in New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
The woman then replies, "Oh, he fixes games... you know, hockey games, football games, baseball games...."
=================
Excuses;
I once had a co-worker that lived about 10 miles Northwest of town. After a heavy snow storm, he called in and said he couldn't make it because of the snow (he drove a 4 wheel drive Jeep).
Another co-worker lived about a mile further North. He made it to work in his Toyota!
1st worker lost a day's pay.
=================
We had a guy at our plant tell the supervisor that he had death in the family he got paid for three days.When he came back he was fired they found out it was his dog.
================
The Five Levels of Drinking
LEVEL 1: It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL 2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like, "Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
================
Laws of Parenting
--The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. -- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. ---Toys multiply to fill any space available. ---The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. ---Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. ---If the shoe fits...it's expensive. ---The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. ---The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. ---Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
==================
He said that I would look more attractive if I were shaved. He said I would love the nakedness of it all. He said it was stylish. He said I would feel cleaner. He said it wouldn't hurt. He said he had been thinking about this for a long time. He said he would do it himself. He said he would be careful. He said he would go slow. He said he was ready to begin. He said to lay down. He said that he would help me relax. He said he loved me. He said he felt like an artist. He said he was done. He said he adored the way it looked. He said he was pleased with his work. He said he wanted to show me off. He said he needed to take me out like this. He said that he wanted people to see me like this. He said we would have a most exciting day. He said he would be right back. He said he had to get his shoes on. I said... Well, I didn't say anything. * * * * * * * * * * Poodles don't talk.
You can join Unsolved Mysteries and post your own mysteries or
interesting stories for the world to read and respond to Click hereScroll all the way down to read replies.Show all stories by Author:  27583 ( Click here )
Spring is coming |
